Cogitating on Ole Codgers

here is my philosophy in a nutshell.

We are all spending too much time on our screens and indoors.

Of course, a certain amount is necessary just to live in this techno world, but seriously? We all do it too much. And it’s the reason why idiots like Trump get to power because if more people were thinking for themselves and conversing in the streets and waking up to reality instead of the spoonfed hysterical reality that he and his cohorts feed us, the nonsense wouldn’t have ever gotten this far. So I’m doing my part and using my writing to remind everyone to get the hell off their machines and look people in the eye.

Including myself.

There is wisdom out there. And in a book. And occasionally on a screen but way more out there or in a book.

For instance, I am at IHOP right now. Not because it’s my favorite place to go to breakfast but because I know it’s open and I thought that the strawberry banana pancakes and chocolate chip pancakes would tempt my kids. Who is mostly here? Ole codgers. Either sitting in groups or sitting alone in booths or with their tired looking wives. But mostly ole codgers. Does that make me an ole codger? Ugh, I suppose so.

But that also tells me something. At least the ole codgers know where reality is at on this one. Out and about in the actual world instead of sitting at home on a snowy morning afraid to face the slippery streets. Is this my fate in 30 years? Possibly. Aghghghghghghghghghghghgg but I’ll embrace it.

There is 1950s music playing. Music I would never be caught dead listening to anymore but it reminds me of my youth when I was first exposed to these songs, mostly through my roommate Freya who got into all kinds of music in college and made it seem cool. It’s the kind of music you hear at 1970s looking bowling alleys with tan and brown wall décor. It’s the kind of music that makes you want to eat your breakfast quickly and get out of here, back into the world but I’m going to try to stick it out.

I’m glad for many things. Even though this town isn’t necessarily the place I want to end up when I’m an ole codger, I’m glad I’m here now. It’s boring enough that people become more interesting than things and stuff. And Nature is more interesting than sitting at home all the time. And you can’t really make enough money to do very much, so you get creative with what time and money you have. And you run into people that you know all the time so even though it’s not really a ‘small’ town, when you live here long enough it starts to feel small-ish. And it’s a liberal enough state to have a judge who dared to defy Trump’s stupid crappy immigration ban.

And I see happy couples walking around here, arm in arm, dressed alike into their 80s. So there is hope that I might find someone because other people do it apparently. And I know they’re probably happy because, as everyone knows, similar clothes are a sign that you are close to someone in mind, spirit, and body, too. And maybe like the other psychological/scientific fact I read about once (but can’t remember where) that says that if you are trying to get pregnant, all you need to do is hang around a lactating mother because the hormones raging in the air around her will rub off on you… maybe like that, if I’m around these ole codgers with their identical partners, maybe their ole codger formula for happiness will rub off on me, too.

LET IT OUT!!!!!!

(inspired by a facebook group I just joined about ranting and raving)... I fucking love the idea of a rant and rave and rave and rant page because THIS IS MY PHILOSOPHY OF LIFE that if we all FUCKING LET THE SHIT OUT THAT IS BOTHERING US then we would all be a LOT SANER FOR IT because holding this SHIT IN is what causes all kinds of nonsense and stupidness and pointlessness and if you LET THIS SHIT OUT in some healthy or creative way BEFORE IT GETS TOO BIG then so much nonsense wouldn't happen. and there is a way to get the shit out without hurting people. it's called volume and word choice. there is a nice way to say the tough shit, and there is a nice way to say the loving stuff too and in general I believe it's better to focus on the loving stuff anyway but that doesn't mean you totally ignore the tough stuff too because shoving things under a rug doesn't help. believe me - I had to learn my lesson the hard way. and basically if you SLOW DOWN enough and try to put yourself in someone else's shoes and try to see the world from their perspective and try to UNDERSTAND where someone is coming from and try to remember that most people really do mean well but circumstances and hunger and lack of sleep and too many items on your mental 'to do list' get in the way of being nice... then happiness and joy and hippie loving peace can abound.

and thank god for the people who do get under our skin - like the woman at my kids' preschool many years ago who used to end all of my sentences for me before i finished them - because - cliche of cliches - whatever you adore or are repelled by in someone else is often an indication of some part of you that you are unable to see. as good ole carl jung said. so... thank god for the folks who help you to really see who you really are.

New Year's hopeful maybe goals

I know they say that it's better to 'do you best' rather than say you will 'try your best.' So I should be making New Year's resolutions rather than 'maybe goals,' but life recently has taught me to keep some room for flexibility in the picture rather than disappoint too many. It's not that I am not planning on implementing these ideas, it's that life gets in the way sometimes and I don't want to get too hard on myself because 'maybe goal' numero uno is...

1) get soft. I think the most beautiful thing that I have observed in friends lately is the ability to be soft. I admire people who are soft. they have a soft core. not a pushover but a softness. life gets rough sometimes and it's easy to slide into being tough all the time. having a deeper, lower voice to command respect instead of a softer, lighter pitch and gentler tone. but, in the end, we are all so much gentler and kinder towards each other when we allow for more softness. and it goes with everything. from how gently you hug someone to the volume of your voice to the kinds of words you rely on to make your point when life gets tough. do you resort to aggro words that bespeak power and domination or can you choose a softer word that still gets your point across. it's like antibiotics. do you go for the big guns, or do you try a gentler approach first and then increase intensity? I'm learning to approach things more slowly. choosing my words with greater care. caressing each word that I write or speak and touching the shoulders of my friends with a lightness of touch.

I'm also learning to be gentler with myself. not expecting so much from myself all the time. giving myself more time to complete tasks. saving more time for fun in my life. so maybe the fence takes longer to get fixed, it's alright. my attitude in the meantime is lighter. and, my theory goes, the sooner you get done with one task, it seems like more and more appear to fill the void. so maybe putting off a task actually staves off the rest of them from looming so heavily on my mind.

so I'm staying with my 'maybe goal' numero uno longer than usual. maybe this is my only real goal for 2015. maybe that's the best way to remember it. reduce it to one goal. grow gentler. change doesn't have to happen overnight. savor things longer. savor that chocolate kiss longer. savor the time alone longer. savor each moment longer rather than plunging ahead to the next task so willy nilly.

I still have a million one things I want to do right here and now. I want to travel, try to publish things, do more crafts, spend more time with my kids, spend less time with my kids. get more exercise, read more, get outside more, fix up the house more, there are just so many things that I can never get to that I need to get to like vacuuming the car. it's never ever ending and I feel, much of the time, like I don't know which one to do first because there are so many but I just have to take one baby step at a time and choose the best that I can. I can't do a million things at once. I just have to try do one. and then another. and then another... so what is next? what will I do with the next precious moments that I have been granted in a bodily form here on earth? finish my 'maybe goals.'

2) spend less time on facebook
3) spend more time reading
4) get more exercise, dancing, walking
5) clean my car more often
6) get more sleep
7) remove clutter from my house so it's more zenlike
8) revisit my 'maybe goal' list often so that I remember this stuff
9) write a happy list on the wall to remember the happy memories more because they say happy people remember happy things more and sad people focus on sad things more
10) get crackin right now
11) remove the clutter... yup, that's it. I want a zen household.

coming home

I am coming home to writing on this blog. I am realizing - by reading 'The Happiness Project' - but also just because of friends and that inner voice we all have when we slow down enough to hear it - that the only way to slog through anything and get anywhere is to chip in a little each day on whatever your goal is and do it. I have had a goal of writing a book for a long time. Yes, the world is full of books, as Ron Burgundy writes, and who needs another one... but it's not about that. It's about the process of trying to complete something, something bigger than what you think you're capable of doing. And doing it for yourself. Who knows if anyone anywhere will ever want to do anything with it. I can't think about that now. I'm just going to write it.

And I don't even know really what I want to write. I mean I do, but it's hard to explain. Ok, I'll try. I want to write something that is funny but also deep. But it's hard to write funny. It's hard to make yourself be funny. It's also weird writing funny because humor usually comes out of being social. You're trying to be funny for someone and I'm not really talking to anyone in particular right now so it's hard to think of funny. But I'm trying. Anyway, things will come. I just have to trust. Just do it. Do it and they will come. Wasn't that Wayne and Garth's pronouncement? Just do it. Do what you need to do. Do what needs to be done (The Happiness Project) and you'll keep chipping away at the bigger goal.

I first started getting into writing when I read 'Writing Down the Bones,' a book that this nice little ole lady gave me in Durango, Colorado once. It changed my life. Completely. And I have mentioned that book since then hundreds of times to friends, students, colleagues. I read all of her books in the space of a few years and again, life changer. It's a weird thought. That me writing down my thoughts is going to change anything anywhere, but like meditation I think writing works. It helps me to focus my mind, helps me to be at peace, helps me to be honest with myself and, if somebody else reads this and gets inspired to write or do whatever keeps them honest (e.g. maybe it's snowboarding, maybe it's cooking or becoming a connoisseur of fine teas) then so be it. But do what you need to do to be whoever makes you who you are.

Meditation helps people, they say, be more trusting loving giving calmer people for the world. I feel like writing helps me be a nicer person to the world, too.

It's not that my thoughts are that mind blowing. The truth is I think we all have thoughts like this. I just believe that by sharing them with 'the world,' that other people will also realize that their thoughts are valuable. Ok, so maybe, you argue, much of the world already thinks this. That's why we have so many blogs and places to comment on everything and facebook and twitter.... it's true. We are saying more and more and more and more but, I would say, how much is truly from the heart? And how much is for the sake of vanity? Not that vanity is bad, necessarily, but what I mean is how much of it is coming from a place of true truth? True truth. The truth of that person. If more of the world spoke their truth, I think we'd all be better off for it.

And I don't mean pure, unadulterated, tactless truth. I mean truth that is intended to benefit the world. Thinking of the bigger picture. Sharing my truth to benefit more people than just me.

So, that's sorta what I'm after. Sure, I would enjoy fame. Sure, I would love to be able to make a living doing this. But I think the only way to make a living at anything is to do what you love first and then eventually somebody somewhere might pay you for it.

Words to live by. Everyone has words to live by. For me, for the past few years, there are a few truths that have kept me going. One is... quiet. You need to cultivate some quiet in your life. It's so easy to get caught up in the world of hecticness, busyness, do do do, social calendars, buy buy buy, making more and more plans, saying yes to more and more people until you are never alone for a second. Every minute of your day is filled up with somebody somewhere as if we can't stand being alone with ourselves. I think I was afraid of being alone with myself for a long time. That's why it's easier to go on facebook than write in a blog. I don't know if anyone is reading this. I can't figure it out, to be honest. I don't get the 'stats' page. It doesn't make sense. Traffic sources? How do I know those aren't spammers? Anyway (ok going back to lowercase throughout... my preference... learned it from bertolt brecht and e.e. Cummings), it doesn't matter. in fact, it's better if nobody is reading this because I should be doing this for me. as soon as you start doing something to impress somebody else, often (not always) it falls through and you're not doing it out of a creative need, you're doing it to please somebody else's taste.

so yeah. being ok with being alone. being ok with less stimulation. less is more. it's hard. sometimes I get bored, very bored but then that's a good sign to either find more joy in what you have or actually get off your ass and do something new. either way, it's a good thing. I guess you could say I'm a minimalist. I know there are maximalists out there, if that's a word and if it isn't I'm going to make it a word, but I just don't think I'm often good at that. I'd like to be. I'd like to be better at it but I think I have spent much of my recent life living in a maximalist world and so I definitely need a change back to a minimalist world in order to regain some control over my life. not total control. that doesn't work either. but more control.

we all have our phases. our places. if you can find a balance. strike a balance. I like to try to be minimalist more often than not so when I do allow myself some splurging and pleasures then I really enjoy them. indulge all of the time and pretty soon it's just a world of chaos. 10,000 chocolate bars just aren't that enjoyable after awhile. but slow down and enjoy the pleasure and you can make one last a million years in terms of sensuality.

I know a lot of this is just drivel. I know I am repeating myself. ok, it's not drivel. that's harsh. I just mean, I'm not editing myself much of the time. but that's partly out of laziness and partly out of the impulse to just this out there and prevent myself from censoring myself. by worrying too much about editing, I actually impede the routine of me writing regularly and I need to get back to that. I need the regularity of that in my life.

so yes a lot of drivel will come but my hope is that eventually the drivel will get reduced. it's like burning fat. I'm burning a lot of fat right now exercising my writing muscle that's been flabby for awhile but I'm going to get it back in shape soon.

it's like my talkathon idea. I love the idea of a talkathon. of people just rambling on and on and on. I think really interesting ideas happen when two people who trust each other allow themselves to really just go with it. live in the moment with their two minds exchanging ideas. a conversation. but not all conversations are equal or equally interesting. it's like 'my dinner with andre.' I need to watch that in its entirety sometime.

I like that when I start doing this kind of thing, writing, I can virtually never stop. I love that about writing. I can't do much else. eat. exercise. clean myself up. I just want to write. i'll sit on the floor in the kitchen if that is the only plug available if I can just keep writing. that's how much I love it. and I love that I have found something that I love that much. I don't think a person can be any more grateful than finding something that they truly love.

life is short. you might as well enjoy it! that's what I say. doesn't mean I'm going to go out and eat 2 pints of B & J's chunky monkey ice cream, or paraglide across Hawaii, or move to tiajuana and live on oysters, or change my name to lara starsearch snickerdoodle, or sell it all and live on spam, or start to even contemplate a bucket list, or ride the same roller coaster too many times until I almost throw up, or tell the cashier at safeway my whole life story, or live on a boat for the rest of my life, or or or or or or or or..... but it does mean, you've gotta have fun or what is the point? what is the point.... that's what I say. ;))

late start monday

time space cats American girl dolls xmas tree lights that refuse to come down the same old man who keeps walking around the block with a bullseye on his old black ski cap crazy guy passing me on the shoulder in the rain making me go into oncoming traffic nothing like a wakeup call but wakeup calls... are good otherwise you might not know you're alive and I'd rather know I'm alive the mountaineer dude who lost all of his toes coming down mt Everest with only a knapsack and no tent and no oxygen said "unless there is the risk of death, it's not really an adventure" I don't know but he might be on to something wakeup calls come in all shapes and sizes even in the form of a lego space shuttle newly born on a late start Monday or a butterfly that refuses to budge from your sleeve

it's time for a pointless random story of a random stranger. an older man of the senior sequimizen persuasion told me a story about living in Alaska and getting into two bush planes accidents, the second of which involved a grizzle bear chewing off half his head. apparently, the plane hit the hibernating area of these two bears and when the plane crashed, the blood seeping from his nose attracted ...the bears, which then came full throttle at them but when the one rose up on its haunches, they were able to shoot it in the neck which stopped it finally but apparently somewhere in the shuffle it did manage to swipe its paw across his forehead. apparently in Ketchikan, ak, there is a museum with a grizzly in it that has some 24 bullets still lodged all over its body because it is hard to kill a bear esp due to the fact that their skull is so thick. I love random stories that people tell you that fall out of the sky blue.See More