coming home

I am coming home to writing on this blog. I am realizing - by reading 'The Happiness Project' - but also just because of friends and that inner voice we all have when we slow down enough to hear it - that the only way to slog through anything and get anywhere is to chip in a little each day on whatever your goal is and do it. I have had a goal of writing a book for a long time. Yes, the world is full of books, as Ron Burgundy writes, and who needs another one... but it's not about that. It's about the process of trying to complete something, something bigger than what you think you're capable of doing. And doing it for yourself. Who knows if anyone anywhere will ever want to do anything with it. I can't think about that now. I'm just going to write it.

And I don't even know really what I want to write. I mean I do, but it's hard to explain. Ok, I'll try. I want to write something that is funny but also deep. But it's hard to write funny. It's hard to make yourself be funny. It's also weird writing funny because humor usually comes out of being social. You're trying to be funny for someone and I'm not really talking to anyone in particular right now so it's hard to think of funny. But I'm trying. Anyway, things will come. I just have to trust. Just do it. Do it and they will come. Wasn't that Wayne and Garth's pronouncement? Just do it. Do what you need to do. Do what needs to be done (The Happiness Project) and you'll keep chipping away at the bigger goal.

I first started getting into writing when I read 'Writing Down the Bones,' a book that this nice little ole lady gave me in Durango, Colorado once. It changed my life. Completely. And I have mentioned that book since then hundreds of times to friends, students, colleagues. I read all of her books in the space of a few years and again, life changer. It's a weird thought. That me writing down my thoughts is going to change anything anywhere, but like meditation I think writing works. It helps me to focus my mind, helps me to be at peace, helps me to be honest with myself and, if somebody else reads this and gets inspired to write or do whatever keeps them honest (e.g. maybe it's snowboarding, maybe it's cooking or becoming a connoisseur of fine teas) then so be it. But do what you need to do to be whoever makes you who you are.

Meditation helps people, they say, be more trusting loving giving calmer people for the world. I feel like writing helps me be a nicer person to the world, too.

It's not that my thoughts are that mind blowing. The truth is I think we all have thoughts like this. I just believe that by sharing them with 'the world,' that other people will also realize that their thoughts are valuable. Ok, so maybe, you argue, much of the world already thinks this. That's why we have so many blogs and places to comment on everything and facebook and twitter.... it's true. We are saying more and more and more and more but, I would say, how much is truly from the heart? And how much is for the sake of vanity? Not that vanity is bad, necessarily, but what I mean is how much of it is coming from a place of true truth? True truth. The truth of that person. If more of the world spoke their truth, I think we'd all be better off for it.

And I don't mean pure, unadulterated, tactless truth. I mean truth that is intended to benefit the world. Thinking of the bigger picture. Sharing my truth to benefit more people than just me.

So, that's sorta what I'm after. Sure, I would enjoy fame. Sure, I would love to be able to make a living doing this. But I think the only way to make a living at anything is to do what you love first and then eventually somebody somewhere might pay you for it.

Words to live by. Everyone has words to live by. For me, for the past few years, there are a few truths that have kept me going. One is... quiet. You need to cultivate some quiet in your life. It's so easy to get caught up in the world of hecticness, busyness, do do do, social calendars, buy buy buy, making more and more plans, saying yes to more and more people until you are never alone for a second. Every minute of your day is filled up with somebody somewhere as if we can't stand being alone with ourselves. I think I was afraid of being alone with myself for a long time. That's why it's easier to go on facebook than write in a blog. I don't know if anyone is reading this. I can't figure it out, to be honest. I don't get the 'stats' page. It doesn't make sense. Traffic sources? How do I know those aren't spammers? Anyway (ok going back to lowercase throughout... my preference... learned it from bertolt brecht and e.e. Cummings), it doesn't matter. in fact, it's better if nobody is reading this because I should be doing this for me. as soon as you start doing something to impress somebody else, often (not always) it falls through and you're not doing it out of a creative need, you're doing it to please somebody else's taste.

so yeah. being ok with being alone. being ok with less stimulation. less is more. it's hard. sometimes I get bored, very bored but then that's a good sign to either find more joy in what you have or actually get off your ass and do something new. either way, it's a good thing. I guess you could say I'm a minimalist. I know there are maximalists out there, if that's a word and if it isn't I'm going to make it a word, but I just don't think I'm often good at that. I'd like to be. I'd like to be better at it but I think I have spent much of my recent life living in a maximalist world and so I definitely need a change back to a minimalist world in order to regain some control over my life. not total control. that doesn't work either. but more control.

we all have our phases. our places. if you can find a balance. strike a balance. I like to try to be minimalist more often than not so when I do allow myself some splurging and pleasures then I really enjoy them. indulge all of the time and pretty soon it's just a world of chaos. 10,000 chocolate bars just aren't that enjoyable after awhile. but slow down and enjoy the pleasure and you can make one last a million years in terms of sensuality.

I know a lot of this is just drivel. I know I am repeating myself. ok, it's not drivel. that's harsh. I just mean, I'm not editing myself much of the time. but that's partly out of laziness and partly out of the impulse to just this out there and prevent myself from censoring myself. by worrying too much about editing, I actually impede the routine of me writing regularly and I need to get back to that. I need the regularity of that in my life.

so yes a lot of drivel will come but my hope is that eventually the drivel will get reduced. it's like burning fat. I'm burning a lot of fat right now exercising my writing muscle that's been flabby for awhile but I'm going to get it back in shape soon.

it's like my talkathon idea. I love the idea of a talkathon. of people just rambling on and on and on. I think really interesting ideas happen when two people who trust each other allow themselves to really just go with it. live in the moment with their two minds exchanging ideas. a conversation. but not all conversations are equal or equally interesting. it's like 'my dinner with andre.' I need to watch that in its entirety sometime.

I like that when I start doing this kind of thing, writing, I can virtually never stop. I love that about writing. I can't do much else. eat. exercise. clean myself up. I just want to write. i'll sit on the floor in the kitchen if that is the only plug available if I can just keep writing. that's how much I love it. and I love that I have found something that I love that much. I don't think a person can be any more grateful than finding something that they truly love.