when i think of....that makes me think of...

a new game... invented by mr. pascual

a word association game, also known as W.A.G.

fill-in-the-blanks, either by yourself or with a friend...

when i think of...rivers... that makes me think of...swans
when i think of swans, then i think of fingers being bitten
when i think of fingers being bitten, that makes me think of my mother
when i think of my mother, that makes me think of my father
when i think of my father, that makes me think of laughter
when i think of laughter, that makes me think of merry pranksters
when i think of merry pranksters, that makes me think of college
when i think of college, that makes me think of streaking
when i think of streaking, that makes me think of berkeley
when i think of berkeley, that makes me think of wendy
when i think of wendy, that makes me think of wendy drive-thrus
when i think of wendy drive-thrus, that makes me think of frosty's
when i think of frosty's, that makes me think of siobhan
and when i think of siobhan, that makes me think of endlessly, contented conversations in person, on the phone, driving on freeways, or visiting her horse tigger.

random venting air conditioning physical fittening

sometimes... chocolate...make...cheesebariat....these are the words that spew out repeatedly whenever I play the 'badminton spew' game which, like a roarshark (spelling I know is wrong) test, it must mean something but what? sometimes... I like the word 'sometimes.' it's not 'all the time.' just 'sometimes.' 'sometimes' is better than 'all the time.' or 'never.' I like the word 'sometimes' just sometimes. chocolate... well, that's easy. who doesn't like chocolate? well I know some people don't like chocolate but there is something wrong with them. I mean, really.  chocolate? you'd half to be half or 75% dead not to like chocolate. make... make... I think it's good to 'make' things. make things from scratch. make your own destiny. make. make things with your hands. make things in your mind. make things happen. make the world into existence. make. fashion. put things together. find the pattern. make it work. put effort into it. make. make your path. make your way. make. the opposite of to 'give up' although anything all the time doesn't really work. but I think 'make' encapsulates even the 'sometimes' quality of this world. you can make something but it doesn't mean it has to work. it might work. great thing if it does work but it doesn't have to work. but you did make it, so even if it doesn't work it might still just be fun enough to have gone through the process of making it. and cheesebariat. john belushi. cheesebariat. randomness. I never understood why he was saying that in that cheesey funny SNL scene and I was too young at the time to even know I could ask someone to explain its meaning so I just accepted that there were some jokes that never made sense and you still just had to laugh and it was funny! that word is funny! cheesebariat. what the hell does it mean? who cares???!! it's funny and that is all that matters. who cares!

i am entranced...

by the ups and downs of life, by the unpredictability, by the way that suddenly someone somewhere somehow surprises you with a question with an idea with a direction that you never saw coming, that you never thought was there... THAT is life! l'chaim

I think that's why I like roller coasters - you never know exactly what's coming next

I think that's why I like theatre - it's never quite the same each night

I think that's why I think that's why I teach, why I drink coffee, why I have too long of a conversation with cashiers at checkstands, why I don't get enough sleep sometimes, why I get too much other times, why I spend too much time on fb, why I have too many pet animals, why I have too many parties with too many people that I've invited to come over and then just enough show up and why I push things to the brink of time and exhaustion and budgets and calmness and mayhem just to see what happens when you cross to the other side. just to see

vastness

what's on my mind? ok, positive rant # 10,411. carrot cake gluten free muffins, somebody dropping off rice noodles and gluten free bagels to me in the dead of the night because she is such a lovely wild woman warrior friend, bright shining kids whose unique minds challenge me to think outside the rollercoaster of life, refusing to do anything productive for one hour, getting some kind of exercise ...for chrissake, the badminton spewing out your mind game mindgame, starting...now...bongos, campfire, cruise ships in clouds, playing guitar, traveling in any shape or form, except I hate driving the same goddam road so much, Tasha tudor, cuppa tea, cuppa joe, calling writing running sliding there is only so much time in this wee wee world and if you think you've got a ton of it you're sorely mistaken so make the most of it make the most of it make the most of it while you're awake and stay awake for as long as you can because there are so many ways you can stay awake don't let the drug of lack of imagination or feeling cornered let you fall asleep, stay awake stay awake to the vastness and openness and big wide skies and big wide oceans and big wide mountains of your mind.

oh god oh god oh god oh god

if I don't take a moment
to let my mind go some place other than where it's supposed to go
then I am going to go certifiably insane

I think we all have a profound need for distraction
and to think that we can stay uniformly constantly consistently focused on the task at hand
is
annoyingly stupidly preposterously ridiculously limited

taking a break
can give you insight
taking a break
can give you strength
perspective
energy
fresh ideas
a visit to the loo

being too serious all the time?
you end up not being funny, very fast
and i'm sorry
but being funny might not be the end-all be-all for everyone
but in my book it is
because it is what keeps you young at heart
and your mind racingly alive
and not that you have to be funny all the time
but you've got to see the flip flop side of things
and not get bogged down in the nitty gritty, the one dimensional
I guarantee, that the higher you move up the ladder
the dopier you become
because seriousness comes with greater responsibilities
and the more responsibilities, the less fun, the less funny you can be
so...
you can take your upgrades and your promotions and your hierarchical success story
i'd rather take baby steps
that lead to pointlessness and random mayhem
than heavy brows and overcaffeinated stiletto jeri curled hairdos
no thanks, thank you very much

the fountain of youth

i feel like popeye. i yam what i yam.

that is the inherent mystery and beauty of stand up comedy. to stand up... literally.. stand up for what you think is funny! that has to be one of the most potentially embarrassing places you can go but if you can go there, then you can be incredibly strong. so that's my goal. to make an absolute fool of myself and have as much fun as i can doing it.

 

procrastination

my favorite word. i have perfected the art of procrastination. i can fill my time up with anything but. i have read up on procrastination. i have listened to music. i have had too much caffeine. i have written and written and written about it. the first time i encountered the concept was actually via my mother who was a bigger procrastinator than me. anything, taxes, writing, checking patients' charts.

2nd time i encountered it? durango. sitting the library at the college there. found a book on the connection between creativity and procrastination and bought it, gullible as i am, and gladly so.

i think it's true. in between the time that it takes for you to grade those papers or file those taxes, you can fill it with so many other things. so many many other things like...making those homemade gluten free macadamia nut cookies you keep meaning to make, or reorganizing that hallway closet that is screaming for attention, or having that heartfelt conversation with a former student who can't decide whether online or face to face is better. the possibilities are endless. checking and rechecking to make sure the stove is turned off. inventing a new version of charades where you perform an action and everyone has to come up with a multitudinous variety of activities you could be doing. are you... pushing a shopping cart? mowing the lawn? carrying an umbrella while walking on a tightrope, inventing an ingeniously flippant dance move, moving along the dead man on a gurney, what can it be? the possibilites are endless.

the point is... why be in a rush to get to point B. point B could be... death, right? no really. seize the day. seize the moment. why rush headlong to the final frontier. why not enjoy the ride? what can you really do when you get to that appointment 10 minutes early? i've never understood, really understood how people can get anywhere 10 minutes early. what do you do with yourself for 10 minutes? when you could be doing so many other exciting things with those 10 minutes? i want to show up late for my grave. really, i don't want to be on time. who wants to be on time?

e. tolle

yin and yang. there is no inside without an outside. no outside without an inside. not only is the point that we are all connected, but you are not so much better or worse off than the person next to you. you are not that much better than the guy who can't get his shizzizit together. and you are not that much worse than the person who appears to be living 'the good life.' you're just not so different as it may seem. we all have bones and blood cells and brain cells (well most of us) and childhoods (of some kind or another) and we were all born from two human beings who decided to put their egg and sperm together in some sort of way. we're not that different. it's just that some people's paths meandered more than others in various directions and if your path and genetic makeup had meandered that way too, you might be up the same shizzzit/heavensent creek so... step down off the high horse of the ego and mingle awhile. it's probably more fun down there anyhow.

little wonders are better than big wonders

like...standing in the rain under a tree talking to a friend while the sun sets and the kids play soccer with one on a swing
and...a black cat that purrs once in a blue moon while it's held
and... a friend who has enough courage to reveal the truth about themselves
and... students whose generosity to me spurs my generosity to them and I open my mouth and can't even control the words that are coming out of my mouth but which say, like the muse deep within has control of the steering wheel of my mind, 'I will never forget this class because I have never felt this relaxed teaching in front of a group of people before in my life'
and...meeting a music teacher who teaches music to 500 kids each week and doesn't look completely bored
and...a student who brought me gluten free buttercream chocolate cupcakes and rice tortillas out of the sky blue
and...a cook off with my son in which the piece de resistance was his chocolate almond milk yogurt drink vs. my rose water ginger ale concoction
and...the number one realization I make again and again... all people want is to be watched. that's all we need. well, more than that but in essence that is all we all want. when we feel the love, we give the love and that's all we all need.

new but very old philosophy... try if the world is trying. don't try if it's not. and then, when it's least expected, try harder than you ever thought possible.

the little girl

and so the little girl trudged on, and on and on... and with each turn, her load became a little bit easier her arms became a little bit stronger, her attitude became a little bit lighter. what is it? she thought. why is it? she wondered.  it's so easy. the answer is so easy. why didn't I think of it before? she thought. just focus, notice, take in, breathe in, savor, relish, enjoy, imbibe, absorb those people and things who give you life in whatever way you define 'life' and that's all you need to do. that's all you need. that's it. and when you restore yourself enough then you are able to give it back and so it goes and goes and goes. and when the forces at play seem to drain your energy away, that's when you need to safeguard your soul. take care of it. somebody has to. and once it's good again, then go out and play. play play play! and give it back back back where you got it from.

try this

when the winds of change dare to pelt you across the face and call you 'george', plant your feet on the ground, strike your best 'power pose', call on all the wildebeasts to which you have a direct line in the area, summon them from the depths of the dirty dirt between your toes, and stand still. don't move forward. refuse to move forward until the winds are tame again or at least whistling a pleasanter tune and then slowly foot muscle by foot muscle move forward.

gifts i've received this weekend

1. sometimes it's nice to throw yourself into new situations from which you think you won't recover because when you do... you realize you're stronger than you thought you were
2. sometimes all it takes is a smile and a willingness to shut your mouth and let someone else be and sometimes it helps to stick your neck out when other people don't think they can
3. sometimes when you're tired, even a bible can keep you from falling asleep (gods/goddesses forgive me for writing that line)
4. sometimes it's good to remember that you can stay dirtier and stinkier longer than you think you can, especially when you recall the factoid that the medieval folk rarely bathed more than once a month and often wore the same clothes several days in a row
5. sometimes when you get away and then come back home, you realize what's missing and you realize what you need to do more clearly than ever
6. sometimes it's nice to meet new people who notice that your kids are really good kids
7. sometimes it feels good to draw the line and know that you will never let it be crossed again
8. sometimes it's good to procrastinate as long as you can and then cram everything you have to do into a small window of time because sometimes that is the only way to get the most bang for your buck because when you have 3 hours to do something, it will take that long to do it but if you only give yourself 15 minutes you can do it in 15 minutes too.
9. sometimes it's good to remember that there is no point trying to be something that you are not and that it is better to focus on what you are good at and go from there.
10. the end.

babghanoush tired elated exhausted exhilarated too much to do too little to do where do i start where oh where what what what la la la la la la la sometimes it's best when the mind dribble drabbles and nothing unravels but it all comes together and campfires and starlights and smiles so bright and little kids sitting round the flashlight telling stories to each other through the night and little girls with hearts a-soaring don't even care when their neighbor is a-snoring because their minds are filled with candelabra laced with nightvisions of all that was good and all the good that will come and i am so lucky and we are all so lucky and what what what why not drivel dravel on because if you haven't got a pen or a pencil or an ear you've got your tongue and even if no one cares to hear the wind will listen and the tree leaves will glisten and the water will jiggle and wave from a distance as the sunlight dances and flits and fleets across the piquant tristesse.

to live on the edge

what does it mean ~ to live on the edge? I suppose it means something different for everyone. whatever your edge is, live on it. if your edge is... barely being able to go up and talk to a stranger then there, that's your edge. if your edge is... barely being able to be alone with yourself for more than 5 minutes, then bang there's your edge. and if it is constantly changing then there bam zap that's your edge. it doesn't mean throwing yourself off the edge. and it doesn't mean constantly relentlessly living on the edge because sometimes 'the edge' can be simply that... having some normalcy from time to time. but what it does mean, for me, is continually constantly challenging yourself. in whatever way that needs to mean. and then, once  challenged, sitting back for awhile to figure out what exactly you just saw when you peered over the edge and into the abyss.

right now? what is 'my edge'? it's the realization, the gut swallowed, deep down, heartfelt, toes tongue tied, zero gravity, absolute infinite total and infinitesimal and insubstantial and inconsequential unobliterated and oddly reassuring affirming awe-inspiring truth that... even when you are with the crowd, you are still essentially alone. and even when you are alone you are still essentially connected to everyone else around you.

how do you move? are you a tree that plants your feet? are you a whale that moves across hemispheres? sometimes I am a pokey mom. and other times I am an octopus with tentacles juggling too many pies. better to be yourself, no matter what you are, at the time.

how do you communicate, he said? I want to learn how. how do you do it?

by planting your feet on the ground. by being stable. by not letting the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune toss and turn you.

what? I don't get it.

when the sands of old father time start their little dustdevils and you are surrounded by unforeseen mental or outward disturbances, and you are on the verge of losing 'it', the proverbial 'it', that is when you have to summon your earth powers. your ability to not be thrown. your ability to stand your ground. and when you can literally and figuratively stand on your ground then you can communicate better because it is finally then that you are able to really be who you are no matter what the situation is and if you are truly being who you are, then you are communicating who you are whether you are trying to or not. it's happening. you will know what to do, how to act, what to say because you are being your authentic 'you' no matter how pretty or unsavory that 'you' happens to be in that particular moment.

what i've learned in the last 20 minutes

1) take time to take care of your feelings
2) take time to take care of your feelings
3) take even more time
4) and then the world will be a happier place for all, including you, but everyone else too
5) write them down
6) scream them out loud
7) paint a picture for them
8) write a play about them
9) go ride a bike through them
10) go kick a soccer ball over them
11) go burn some rubber all under them
12) go kiss a cat until they're softened
13) go get dirty in the mud with them
14) go bake a cake and mix them into the batter
15) go listen to a neighbor ramble on while you ignore them and later come back to them
16) go take a nap until they pop out in your dreams and speak to you through them
17) but eventually somehow somewhere listen and feel and express and squeeze and drip drop them until they are gone gone gone into the earth until the next wave of them comes to wash your shore

introductory remarks!!!

Good evening ladies and gentleman. You are a beautiful and captivating audience. I am supremely captivated. I am so captivated that I feel that my hands are tied behind my back. I am so captivated that I feel bereft of speech. I have nothing left to say, yet speak I must. And so I shall.

Good evening. If you haven’t noted this already, my job – in addition to being the artistic director of this evening’s show – is to get you ready for the show, to warm you up, so to speak. Yes, there I said it, like a heating element warms up the stove, like a campfire warms up the heart, like a couple that has been married too long but still obliges in the customary connubial bliss of foreplay, my job is to get you to smile, to get you to laugh, to get you to realize that we are not alone. Although this theatre may be dark and slightly musty in odor, although you may wonder whether you should have really accepted your friend’s offer of two complimentary tickets, my job is to make sure you are sufficiently warmed up so that the show may go on. So that actors and directors and playwrights may see the fruit of their labor, and we may all breathe a sigh of relief that I am done talking. You see, that is the other duty that I have. To put off starting this show for as long as I bloody well can because the longer you have to wait, the greater the suspense, the more aggravated you will become, and the greater your pleasure will be once the show commences. So hopefully I have done my job. But perhaps not. Perhaps I need to yammer on even longer. Maybe I should thank several key people involved in the show. Namely, john manno, the production manager, whose unswerving dedication to the theatrical arts is unrivaled, uncontested, and indubitably uniquely his own. There are many others I should thank. Shall I go on? No? yes? Ok, there is dr. luke robins, the president of this esteemed college whose trust in our artistic enterprises boggles the mind and confuses the brain. There are the enormously gifted and fabulously talented publicity professionals who help to spread the word on such a production – mary hunchberger, Phyllis van Holland, emma Jensen. Do you need more? Ok, there are countless people behind the scenes – the playwrights whose precious words fill the mouths of these talented young actors and fill the coffers of this theatre department, the directors who unfathomable wills to drive home the salient points of their playwright’s intentions are of paramount importance and formidable strength. Do you need a little more? Or am I done? If not, I can go on. Yes? No? maybe? Alright well… I think I saw a plea in the back row for termination. For the end to be nigh. For the show to begin. And so, I will say my farewell and bid you adieu to yeu and yeu and yeu, goodnight, enjoy the show, cheerio, toodleloo, ciao, adios, bon appetit, arrievederchi, break a leg, see you later, I have a terrible time saying goodbye if case you hadn’t noticed, farethewell, asta luego…