introductory remarks!!!

Good evening ladies and gentleman. You are a beautiful and captivating audience. I am supremely captivated. I am so captivated that I feel that my hands are tied behind my back. I am so captivated that I feel bereft of speech. I have nothing left to say, yet speak I must. And so I shall.

Good evening. If you haven’t noted this already, my job – in addition to being the artistic director of this evening’s show – is to get you ready for the show, to warm you up, so to speak. Yes, there I said it, like a heating element warms up the stove, like a campfire warms up the heart, like a couple that has been married too long but still obliges in the customary connubial bliss of foreplay, my job is to get you to smile, to get you to laugh, to get you to realize that we are not alone. Although this theatre may be dark and slightly musty in odor, although you may wonder whether you should have really accepted your friend’s offer of two complimentary tickets, my job is to make sure you are sufficiently warmed up so that the show may go on. So that actors and directors and playwrights may see the fruit of their labor, and we may all breathe a sigh of relief that I am done talking. You see, that is the other duty that I have. To put off starting this show for as long as I bloody well can because the longer you have to wait, the greater the suspense, the more aggravated you will become, and the greater your pleasure will be once the show commences. So hopefully I have done my job. But perhaps not. Perhaps I need to yammer on even longer. Maybe I should thank several key people involved in the show. Namely, john manno, the production manager, whose unswerving dedication to the theatrical arts is unrivaled, uncontested, and indubitably uniquely his own. There are many others I should thank. Shall I go on? No? yes? Ok, there is dr. luke robins, the president of this esteemed college whose trust in our artistic enterprises boggles the mind and confuses the brain. There are the enormously gifted and fabulously talented publicity professionals who help to spread the word on such a production – mary hunchberger, Phyllis van Holland, emma Jensen. Do you need more? Ok, there are countless people behind the scenes – the playwrights whose precious words fill the mouths of these talented young actors and fill the coffers of this theatre department, the directors who unfathomable wills to drive home the salient points of their playwright’s intentions are of paramount importance and formidable strength. Do you need a little more? Or am I done? If not, I can go on. Yes? No? maybe? Alright well… I think I saw a plea in the back row for termination. For the end to be nigh. For the show to begin. And so, I will say my farewell and bid you adieu to yeu and yeu and yeu, goodnight, enjoy the show, cheerio, toodleloo, ciao, adios, bon appetit, arrievederchi, break a leg, see you later, I have a terrible time saying goodbye if case you hadn’t noticed, farethewell, asta luego…