do cows smile?

yay? or nay? or moo?

funny how

funny how I wrote and wrote and wrote this summer
but it has all but dwindled now
funny how we have all the comforts of home
but where is the excitement? the draw?
it's ok. one doesn't always have to live with constant drama, it's true
but just a little excitement now and then is good, too

drama now comes from within
but it's still being pretty quiet
and not that drama is a bad thing or a good thing
drama, in itself, is just... life, really, on steroids

I've learned a lot these past few weeks
but not as much as I learned in just one month this summer
is that a good thing or a bad thing?
sometimes it's very good to just sit still and recoup, regroup
as long as you do wake up now and then
and realize
that it could all get tossed with the fries
and nothing is always going to be perfect
and the toothpaste cap is going to get lost at some point
and you are going to get another dent in your car
and your kids are going to get a cough that lasts too long
and cavities because they really need to learn how to floss better
and you can take it all in stride
or you can condemn yourself
it's up to you
but i'm telling you, telling me, telling you
that it's not worth it
life isn't perfect
and the sooner you get used to it, the better
that your house the way it looks right now
is exactly how it is meant to look
and the clothes you are wearing now should be the clothes you wear to work
because this is who you are
and sure we all need to put on a show
but don't forget who you are underneath the show
and that's why it's always good to have some downtime
it may feel pointless and blah and bland
but it's letting you see and remember who you really are
so that you can bring that to the table
the next time you have to
put on a show.

writer's workshop freewrite topic: Use "didgeridoo", "messy" and "loud man on cell phone" in a short piece.

 

well, since you asked... don't mind if I do...

 

I was sitting in the middle of the café, really wished the hostess had found me a table more along the edge but oh well, when I noticed that the loud man on the cell phone next to me was my uncle juan. I hadn't seen him in at least 20 years but it was him alright. he liked to multi-task, being a lawyer and all, and so he had his laptop balanced on his knees, a cell phone glued to his shoulder, and in between blowing on his didgeridoo, he was barking out commands for his assistant back at the office. 'I don't care how long it takes him to line me up some cattle, I want those cattle checked for meningitis by the time I get back to Wyoming! and if they're not, then there's going to be hell to pay for those ranchers who think they can squat on my property and let their damn beasts have the run of my land, spreading vermin and all kinds of messy other diseases my way. dammit! has anyone heard of a refill around here?"

 

my uncle juan hadn't been the same since he lost his daughter to the polygamous family who had the neighboring ranch. it was to be expected, of course. he had sent Juanita out for her daily chore, checking for vermin and mosquito larvae along the fenceline at dawn ("you can never check too often for lice, mouse droppings laced with hantivirus, or rabid dogs when running a ranch full-time" he always used to bark out), when she had bumped into one of the sons of one of the wives who was married to papa savior. the boy had twisted his ankle and needed to be carried back to their home before the cowbell rang for breakfast. so Juanita decided to do her part. she didn't know what polygamous meant, but if it was another one of them diseases that her dad was always yelling about, then she knew to stay far far away.

 

when they got to the cabin, she could smell the delicious aroma of biscuits and gravy and her heart sank. she knew if she stepped foot in their home that she would be tainted with head lice or staph infection for months, possibly years. but her hunger was too great and so she accepted their humble offer to join them at the table.... (to be continued ~)

54 hits on my blog? wow. who in god's name is reading this thing?

the northwest

there is something different about the northwest
not necessarily better or worse
not much point to those designators, but different
there is a feeling here unlike anywhere else
it could just be me
but I don't think so
it's the feeling that
if you let it
the moss will overtake you and you'd eventually be submerged in your own little hovel
not a bad feeling necessarily
but also not necessarily one that I am ready for just yet in my life
it's the feeling that
if you don't stretch yourself and get out and try to touch someone
that eventually your circle will get smaller and smaller and smaller
once in a while
people surprise me
and a random man
standing in line in front of me at the grocery store
randomly turns around to me, literally tonight, and says...
'so how was your day?'
and he wasn't loony tunes, and he wasn't coming on to me, he just wanted to know
and I couldn't believe it
a person crosses the threshold of 'normalcy' and actually wants nothing more than to get to know me for a small moment in time, nothing else gained, just an interesting moment shared
and I couldn't believe it
not because I dislike this place
because I don't
i'm just trying to understand it
I don't get it

I'm as guilty as anybody else
oftentimes i'd rather take the circuitous route to avoid a conversation i'm just not in the mood to have with a perfectly harmless person
but I just don't have the energy
so I get it
but I think it's more than that
there is something about this place... maybe it's the clouds, maybe it's the fact that we're on a peninsula, maybe it's the trees, maybe it's the fact that it is so small that you have to declare your borders, but I don't know
I think it's strange
that this person I know in one part of my life
will probably never intersect with this person I know in another part of my life
that the students I teach
have nothing to do with the people at the soccer games my kids go to
maybe it's the lack of sun
but something keeps us inside our minds
I was an introvert as a child, somewhere or another I leapt out
and now, living here, I am going back to that place
not sure if I want to, but i'm trying to understand it, make sense of it, negotiate a truce with it and the other parts of me that have grown since those early years
and it's not a bad place to be
in fact, it's a very quiet, peaceful, meaningful place to be
it's a place that lets you absorb beauty in the seemingly redundant things you see
you think you've seen this landscape before
but you haven't really
but you wouldn't know it
if you hadn't arrived at this quiet place
but still... I just wonder... were we, as human beings, meant to be so quiet?
****************************************************************
and I think the northwest thinks I'm loony tunes! and it may be right.
I think it thinks i'm a nutjob, a basketcase, an overthetop, out there circus show freak
but i'd rather be that
again, not in a combative, betterthanthou sense
but in the sense that I, personally, would rather be out there reaching into people's heartsandminds
than circling around in my head for too long
wondering when I will come up for air
because there is beauty out there
so much beauty in there, too
but there is surprising beauty out there
conversations you would never expect to have
stories you will never ever hear in your head
ok, maybe in a book, yes
but
I, a human being, still crave the oneonone primal contact of facetoface, smelltosmell, skintoskin, handshake to handshake that tells you so much more than a 'regards' or 'yours truly'
a limp noodle handshake tells you more than 'LOL' or 'wassup?'
because suddenly you are confronted with the primeval person who is either your prey or your predator
and you have only moments, milliseconds really, to figure out which
and i'd rather live in that iridescent luminescent undecided unresolved place
that prompts me to spill apples and plums all over a safeway parking lot
because a real live human encounter left me so spellbound that I can't think or walk straight
than live in my head
and never be bamboozled
by the smiles and frowns, reprimands and accolades, blank stares and shy but jubilant grins
that you only get in the 3D, my friend, you only get in the 3D

right now

there is a feeling
a feeling that is hard to describe but describe it I will try
because what else is life besides a feeling
a knowing
a direction that your body takes you
I am sitting here
not trying to be somewhere else
just sitting here
just content
not to go here or there or everywhere
not to try to please or entertain the kids
just to be here
like I was when I was a child
and I could just rest and daydream and rest and play and let my mind wander where it would
it's hard to find that place sometimes
it's so easy to keep thinking that there is something more important that I should be doing
right now
right now I should be somewhere else, catching up, doing what i'm supposed to, getting ahead
ahead of what?
ahead of myself
ahead of that knowing feeling that you are where you need to be right now
maybe tomorrow you need to be somewhere else
but right now you are where you need to be
and that is a good feeling.

relentless positivism

is ridiculous, I know, but I believe in it not because there isn't sadness and pointlessness and struggle in this world but because there IS all of that, and you need something to combat the negativity that comes at you when you least expect it, when you are tired, or low on gusto or inspirazione. you have to you have to you have to have a wellspring of positivism in order to combat it all, in order to outsource the negative thoughts, the negative words, the naysaying, the little voices here and there that focus on the 'no,' the limit, the what's wrong with our world, the shortcomings, the doom and the gloom, thinking inside the box, the little voices here and there that try try try to convince you that 'punishment' is the answer and a world devoid of mystery and generosity is somehow better for you because it 'works' and it's reliable but is it fun? no. is it warm to the touch and to the heart? no. I rely on relentless positivism because negativity is just too easy. because it is too easy, it's a "slide into the couch and can never get up" kind of  easy. I choose positivism because even though it may ask you to get up earlier than you want, or shut your mouth before you say something you regret, even though it may not always be your first choice or your easiest choice... in the end, it'll save you. and save all of the people around you whose energy will eventually buoy you up when you don't always have it in you. your mind will always float, if you let it, to the bottom of the barrel, it takes just a little, so little to lift it back up again. sometimes a pause. sometimes walking away. sometimes a deep breath. sometimes a good staring into space. but it will rise if you want it to. if you choose to. if you make it a priority. it will. but you have to will it so.