so i have to do this

I don't know how the rest of the world does what they do. I don't know how they go along day after day without analyzing the shit out of all this. and I mean 'shit' in a good sense. I love trying to understand life, people, craziness, nuttiness, aloneness, togetherness, the meaning of it all, the point of it all, why we do what we do and why other people do what they do and what are we all thinking and feeling as we're doing it. that is what I love to do and I just don't get why more of the world isn't as fascinated with this as I am. and it's not like there is any one definitive answer which is what makes it even more intriguing. everyone has their own insight into it and I love it love it love it. life and its endless permutations fascinations meaningsations.
plus, I'm drinking coffee...

as Natalie Goldberg told me once in a book, you just have to write you just have to write just get it out stop analyzing but analyze stop being but be notice notice see the world around you stop worrying if it's perfect or mind boggling or amazing or stupefying or monumental or the words that will change everyone's life, it's your life they will change your life if you let them out not that total lack of censorship is the answer either but these words these thoughts these feelings in our hearts and minds and guts get trapped and they fester and sit and dwell and take on a life of their own and then begin to seem to real so if you get them out either with a friend or a stranger or better yet on paper or a screen then they can't control you anymore your thoughts are not in charge of you anymore you are in charge of your thoughts and this may sound very ted kesinski-ish or however you spell his name but it's a good thing, not him trying to bomb people, but it's a good thing to let the spillage and sewage and dandelions and bougainvillea vines of your mind spill out and shine and not die inside, become putrid and acrimonious and pointless and live an internalized undignified life, let it out let it rip get rip roarin and don't look back. I am so lucky so lucky so lucky that I had a mom who wrote a dad who writes and that someone named doddie who I barely really ever knew gave me a book one day that changed my life 'writing down the bones' because that book switched the direction of my life, I mean before that book I was writing but after that book my life went into hyperoverdrive and the writing I wrote changed the course of my life and even now as I write this I know I am changing the course of my life even if that means the course I am taking is staying on course and staying steady sometimes the most radical thing you can do is to do nothing and that is often the hardest thing to do. to just sit and wait sit and wait and let the universe come to you and speak to you and stop haranguing it all the time.

ok so this is what i do

i write and I write and I write and I write
until my fingers relax
and the words flow
and I don't really give a rat's tushie
whether anyone reads this or not
it's just for me
but it's not
it's for the world to see
but not
because
I want to parade my wares or stare into my navel
but because
I feel
like
all of us
all of us
have too much going on inside
and all of us
all of us
would benefit by letting it out
and not that we need to let it all out
god knows some of it can stay in
sometimes I sit and I sit
biting my tongue
biding my time
and I think... why don't I have a taste of my own medicine? why not squeal it out
but the truth is
you WILL squeal it out
when the time comes
it will become very very clear
when you need to
until then
bide your time
it's all in good time
but let the rest of it out
whenever you can
I know too many people
who are so good
at letting it out
without really letting it ALL out
they are exuberant
they live life to the fullest
but they also don't rain on everyone else's parade
I look towards these people
I try to learn something from them
anything
sometimes it's just in their abundant smile
sometimes it's in their gutsy laugh
sometimes it's in their generosity
sometimes it's in their impetuosity
sometimes it's in their quietude
sometimes it's in their permissiveness
sometimes it's in the way that they don't give a cahuna's hiney what they eat for dinner
sometimes it's in the way they punctuate the ending of every conversation with a smile, exclamation point and letting go into the void affirming that they will be happy, always happy, no matter what, life's too short not to be happy
sometimes it's in their eyes, the gentle focus of their soft gaze that never, oh no never, judges and never, oh no never, rushes you along headlong, they are patient beyond belief
and sometimes I just can't keep up
but I try, try to squeeze a tiny drop of their toothpaste onto my toothbrush
and hope that a bit of their zen-ness will rub off on me
I know too many people
who show me the way
to lose myself in negativity, whininess, or self pity
although I am very good at those qualities too, when I feel like it
not that there is anything wrong with those either, and I do not speak fecestiously
we all need to let it go into whatever pit our mind wants to go
but if you feel like it's time to pull yourself out
then there's always a way
just let it go
let it go
let it go

Gentleness and patience
Two cheesy words in a cheesy world
I am feeling heartless and cold
But not hopeless
Better to own up to it
Than submerge it in pretty words
I'd rather be honest than a debutante
Fake smile standing in line
Waiting to make the parade
This is my place
To own it
And I will
I have steeled my heart
Against a lot of nonsense
But I will never
Steel it against gentleness and patience
The look in a friend's eye that says....
Take all the time in the world that you need
Because whatever comes out comes out
And I don't care I don't judge
I know a few people who can withhold judgment for a very long time
And I
Am
Inspired

This pen
So soft , the ink flows easily
My favorite pen
Cheap, from 'Edward jones financial advisor'
I like things
That come and go
Sometimes I clutch this pen and never let it go
Sometimes it disappears
Winds up lost and found on some table somewhere
Total fluke that I find it again
That's how it should be
Let things be
And where they end up is where they oughtta be

i had a friend once

let's just call her michelle
and she taught me how to be grateful
so did her brother-in-law, in fact
she taught me how to savor the flavor of a mini reese's cup
how to slow down
how to enjoy doing absolutely nothing but talking about nothing at all
how to let our minds meander at will
how to be entertained by the simplest of details
how to enjoy the words 'thrifty people ahhhh'
just because they are fun to say
she moved slowly
and yet she could also take a very quick shower when she had to be somewhere in a hurry
she knew when to speed up and when to slow down
and I appreciated that
and I am so lucky
I have so many people that I have met since her and before her but mostly since her
who have reminded me of her
and that quality
but I don't know
not many measure up to her in that respect
it's hard to compete
she takes nothing for granted, not one speck, not one look, not one choice of word
she slows down
and in my mad dash to get through my day
to keep clothes clean
and kids from hollering
and peace keeping
and bills to be paying
and papers to be grading
and exercise that never gets done
and parties that have to be had
and groceries that need to be bought and sorted
and clothes and toys that need to be picked up
and friends that need to be called
and sleep that needs to be had
and time alone that needs to be savored
in my mad dash to do it all and do it all well
I hardly have time to enjoy any of it
and so I do... I stop being grateful, and then I stop being happy
and then I think I need more money
and more friends
and more this and more that
and more exercise
and more youthfulness
and more and more and more
and nothing I have is enough
and I am not good enough
and nobody is good enough
it's true - to be happy you have to start by being grateful
and to be grateful you have to slow down and look and act on it, the opportunity, when it arises
and it will arise
again and again
if you slow down enough to look at it
there is a fear in gratefulness
a fear that... if I start getting too complacent, if I start thinking that this is good enough
then I will stop trying to seek more
there's a fallacy in that, somewhere
there's a disconnect
there was a woman poet on the radio today
she talked about loneliness
and she talked about how when you're in the south
and you're talking to old ladies
you can ask them all the questions you want
but they are only going to tell you so much
and the best way to get someone to talk
is to stop making them talk
everyone will reveal everything you need them to
if you just quiet yourself enough to listen, and not pry, just listen
if I worry too much about being too content with the way things are
if I spend too much time worrying that if I don't knock on the door of opportunity, then the opportunity will go away
if I fret too much about being a woman of action and that I have to do more to achieve more
then I'm not letting much of the universe in
the universe will come in, if you let it and you're quiet enough to let it feel comfortable to walk in
so get quiet, listen, think about what you like, and what you're happy to have, and then notice
see if it begins to happen
see if you begin to see more and more reasons to radiate the love
because it will start to radiate and then more love will come your way if you let it
because that's all it really boils down to anyway, right?
the love.
what am I grateful for? what do I have right now?
I've got time late at night to think
I've got friends who introduce me to new music, new filmmakers, new comedians, old comedians
I've got kids who are growing nicer and nicer by the minute, even after they fly off the handle, they are able to come back down to earth and be nicer and nicer each day
I've got a leg that works again
I've got a nice house, nice cats, a nice comfy bed that is as wide as the sea
I've got a smashing yellow and purple and pink house
I've got friends who write me out of the blue from years gone by from distant lands overseas
I've got a dad whose voice sounds the same as it sounded when I was a child
I've got a sister who I've grown closer to and yet we are just as close as we ever were
I have a friend who loves these kids as much as me, their dad
I've got my health
I've got a little money in the bank, I've got enough
I've got the ability to cook, and I've got recipes in my head that will take me where I need to go
I've got a sense of humor, I can do accents
I've got the ability to drink coffee again and not be afraid
I've got students who make me think and remind me to stay open and aware and awake
I've got colleagues who let me know how dear I am to them, and them to me
and I've got a pair of jeans that fit just right and make me feel as sexy as can be.

i finally get it

i finally understand, get it, I'm one with it, I'm one with the idea that it just doesn't matter and yet it does. it just doesn't matter what happens today or tomorrow or the day after and yet it does. that it's ok to have hopes and dreams and wishes and yet it's also important to let all that go. just let it go. there's no point to it. you can't really live in that fluff. you have to be right here and right now. you have to have something someone somewhere some place to love right here and right now. you have to love this moment you have to be in this moment you can't be in some other moment you have to be right here and right now. it doesn't matter what comes out of your mouth and yet it does. you can be okay with silence but you also can't delay. can't get stuck. can't sit still too long sitting on something you know you should or could or want to do. either do it or let it go. either live it or move on. when I was doing improv in Chicago a  couple dozen moons ago, I learned this principle very quickly. the kids who could do it. the kids who made it alive and sparkle and twitch and real... they were moving. they didn't sit still. even when they were sitting still they weren't sitting still. they were alive. they were reverberating vibrating from the inside out. they were bubbling and steaming and roiling and boiling inside. they were alive. and it was the most delicate of stoppers on the outside of their delicate lips that stopped them from bubbling out every thought and idea in their head. they had some self control but they didn't let that self control stuntify them, freeze them, paralyze them. they lived in the torment in the moment in the creative zesty incontrol outofcontrol momento of it. they lived on the edge and they didn't look back. at least not until the end of the day when it was time for a beer and some refreshment and friends and laughs and ease. but when you are hot on the plate of life, you just have to live it. you can't sit and analyze it. noontime or midnight if that is your living time, you have to get out there and do it be it see it wing it live in the muddy trampoline-ness leanness of it. kids hanging on your back not leaving you alone exhaustion of it. not saying the right words, sounding like an ignoramus, do it. never be afraid to 'risk to risk!!!' as charlotte in the play I directed said. man oh man oh man oh man oh man oh man oh man oh man... when will I remember to do this in my every day daily life sun up to sun down life. when will I learn how to live like today is the last day that I'm alive? when will I be that awake? I'm slowly getting there. I'm slowly inching my way towards making every moment counting. towards not taking for granted every possible second, every possible smile, every possible lovely human being I bump into and also every human being that I don't have the time of day for because you can't listen to everyone spill their guts but you can be there for a second or two with them and live their life with them for a moment and then go back to your own. and see where it takes you. I don't know where my life is taking me. I don't know what the point of any of this is other than beauty and joy and time and space. my friend Freya once said to me... after I asked her... what is the point of all this? why do we do this? why are we here? what are we doing here every day drinking our coffee going to work having kids? what are we doing?... she just said... it's for the beauty of it. there is beauty in all of it. enjoy relish savor the beauty. it's there. look for it.' I had no clue what she meant. I did but I didn't. beauty? beauty? something as superficial as that? but it's true. it is and it isn't superficial. what is beautiful to you may or may not be beautiful to me but the point is maybe me finding the beauty in this moment, this shriek, this trash can, this flower, this piece of music, this laugh, this sarcastic remark, maybe me finding the beauty in something you never  thought you could find beauty in might makes your world a little more beautiful and vice versa. we help each other see the beauty if we let each other in long enough to help each other see it all together.