i finally get it

i finally understand, get it, I'm one with it, I'm one with the idea that it just doesn't matter and yet it does. it just doesn't matter what happens today or tomorrow or the day after and yet it does. that it's ok to have hopes and dreams and wishes and yet it's also important to let all that go. just let it go. there's no point to it. you can't really live in that fluff. you have to be right here and right now. you have to have something someone somewhere some place to love right here and right now. you have to love this moment you have to be in this moment you can't be in some other moment you have to be right here and right now. it doesn't matter what comes out of your mouth and yet it does. you can be okay with silence but you also can't delay. can't get stuck. can't sit still too long sitting on something you know you should or could or want to do. either do it or let it go. either live it or move on. when I was doing improv in Chicago a  couple dozen moons ago, I learned this principle very quickly. the kids who could do it. the kids who made it alive and sparkle and twitch and real... they were moving. they didn't sit still. even when they were sitting still they weren't sitting still. they were alive. they were reverberating vibrating from the inside out. they were bubbling and steaming and roiling and boiling inside. they were alive. and it was the most delicate of stoppers on the outside of their delicate lips that stopped them from bubbling out every thought and idea in their head. they had some self control but they didn't let that self control stuntify them, freeze them, paralyze them. they lived in the torment in the moment in the creative zesty incontrol outofcontrol momento of it. they lived on the edge and they didn't look back. at least not until the end of the day when it was time for a beer and some refreshment and friends and laughs and ease. but when you are hot on the plate of life, you just have to live it. you can't sit and analyze it. noontime or midnight if that is your living time, you have to get out there and do it be it see it wing it live in the muddy trampoline-ness leanness of it. kids hanging on your back not leaving you alone exhaustion of it. not saying the right words, sounding like an ignoramus, do it. never be afraid to 'risk to risk!!!' as charlotte in the play I directed said. man oh man oh man oh man oh man oh man oh man oh man... when will I remember to do this in my every day daily life sun up to sun down life. when will I learn how to live like today is the last day that I'm alive? when will I be that awake? I'm slowly getting there. I'm slowly inching my way towards making every moment counting. towards not taking for granted every possible second, every possible smile, every possible lovely human being I bump into and also every human being that I don't have the time of day for because you can't listen to everyone spill their guts but you can be there for a second or two with them and live their life with them for a moment and then go back to your own. and see where it takes you. I don't know where my life is taking me. I don't know what the point of any of this is other than beauty and joy and time and space. my friend Freya once said to me... after I asked her... what is the point of all this? why do we do this? why are we here? what are we doing here every day drinking our coffee going to work having kids? what are we doing?... she just said... it's for the beauty of it. there is beauty in all of it. enjoy relish savor the beauty. it's there. look for it.' I had no clue what she meant. I did but I didn't. beauty? beauty? something as superficial as that? but it's true. it is and it isn't superficial. what is beautiful to you may or may not be beautiful to me but the point is maybe me finding the beauty in this moment, this shriek, this trash can, this flower, this piece of music, this laugh, this sarcastic remark, maybe me finding the beauty in something you never  thought you could find beauty in might makes your world a little more beautiful and vice versa. we help each other see the beauty if we let each other in long enough to help each other see it all together.