so i have to do this

I don't know how the rest of the world does what they do. I don't know how they go along day after day without analyzing the shit out of all this. and I mean 'shit' in a good sense. I love trying to understand life, people, craziness, nuttiness, aloneness, togetherness, the meaning of it all, the point of it all, why we do what we do and why other people do what they do and what are we all thinking and feeling as we're doing it. that is what I love to do and I just don't get why more of the world isn't as fascinated with this as I am. and it's not like there is any one definitive answer which is what makes it even more intriguing. everyone has their own insight into it and I love it love it love it. life and its endless permutations fascinations meaningsations.
plus, I'm drinking coffee...

as Natalie Goldberg told me once in a book, you just have to write you just have to write just get it out stop analyzing but analyze stop being but be notice notice see the world around you stop worrying if it's perfect or mind boggling or amazing or stupefying or monumental or the words that will change everyone's life, it's your life they will change your life if you let them out not that total lack of censorship is the answer either but these words these thoughts these feelings in our hearts and minds and guts get trapped and they fester and sit and dwell and take on a life of their own and then begin to seem to real so if you get them out either with a friend or a stranger or better yet on paper or a screen then they can't control you anymore your thoughts are not in charge of you anymore you are in charge of your thoughts and this may sound very ted kesinski-ish or however you spell his name but it's a good thing, not him trying to bomb people, but it's a good thing to let the spillage and sewage and dandelions and bougainvillea vines of your mind spill out and shine and not die inside, become putrid and acrimonious and pointless and live an internalized undignified life, let it out let it rip get rip roarin and don't look back. I am so lucky so lucky so lucky that I had a mom who wrote a dad who writes and that someone named doddie who I barely really ever knew gave me a book one day that changed my life 'writing down the bones' because that book switched the direction of my life, I mean before that book I was writing but after that book my life went into hyperoverdrive and the writing I wrote changed the course of my life and even now as I write this I know I am changing the course of my life even if that means the course I am taking is staying on course and staying steady sometimes the most radical thing you can do is to do nothing and that is often the hardest thing to do. to just sit and wait sit and wait and let the universe come to you and speak to you and stop haranguing it all the time.