a little space

sometimes alotta space but sometimes a little space
is all you need
a little space
to slow down
think your  thought
finish your thought
eat something bad for you
do something fun for you
a little space
to notice something anything outside the norm
a little space
to slow down enough to be grateful for something
a little space
to get an idea that will take you somewhere you've never been before
a little space
to get space cadety
a little space
a little space
a little more space
and then take up some more space
until the clouds outside don't bother you anymore
because your mind can travel farther and wider
and nobody can stop you..... ever
and contentment quadruple exponentially in every direction
and nothing just doesn't fucking matter
ssssssssssssss                ppppppppppppppppp               aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa    ccccccccccccc      eeeeeee

don't know

don't know don't know don't know know know know know know know know know...................................................................................................................................................................................
it takes timmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee to come back to yourself, to figure out who or what your voice is, to remember your likes and dislikes, to get quiet enough to listen to the tick tock of your soul and where it wants to go when the cacophony of liberty is spendthrifty pennywhistle jocular testing you by the millisecond. when I was little, all the secret essence of life living is there, when I was little all I had to do was lie down on the yellow rubbery trampoline in the backyard of our log house on the hairpin turn of a little hippity dippety country road in white rock, Vancouver, british Columbia, Canada, to remember and slow down and figure it all out and have it all come back. I could remember my favorite moments like getting to ride on my family's riding lawnmower and the thrill of having the responsibility of that little machine under me was all I needed to make the rest of my day fly sky high pie riding for nigh.

i am done

I am done with waiting for life to begin I am done done done done done done done done done. life begins right where you are at. it doesn't start tomorrow. it doesn't start next week. it starts right now. it starts with taking your first steps towards whatever the hell it is that makes you happy and that is life. life in a nutshell. and I don't care how fucking hallmarkish that sounds. it's fucking well true. and I love saying the word 'fucking' and I love writing the word 'fucking.' there is just no other word that adds enough emphasis as the word 'fuck' so I think I need to say it a whole fucking lot more.

I have friends in this world who inspire me challenge me placate me motivate me show me how to be me and I need to listen. I need to listen a helluva lot more. I need to stop lingering to listen to the naysayers. I need to stop letting my soul get squashed by the downers. I need to just stop and notice and listen and breathe and remember who I am and be who I am

it's not that we all need a bunch of 'yes-men' around us to function. but we all could do with a bit more encouragement in this life. there's no harm in that. and if no one is out there to give it, then hell fucking give it to yourself! for crying the fuck out loud!

god I love saying 'fuck.'

so yeah, fucking listen to your soul, fucking live a little, fucking be curious, fucking do something new with each day because there are only so many days left and maybe that's too doom and gloom and we shouldn't keep thinking about the end but if it means we gamble more right now if it means we take more risks if it means we stick our neck out a bit or a lot farther then so fucking be it. make mistakes. wear mismatched socks. say the wrong thing at a dinner party. tell a bad joke. eat too much ice cream. drink too much and dance. spill wine on the carpet. forget to pay your bills. but live a little! make mistakes. do it. it's worth it. quit trying to be perfect. there's no fun in that. you're not alive if you're perfect. you may be 100% organic, GMO, soy free.... but you're not alive.

navel gazing

it may seem like pointless navel gazing
and maybe it truly is
but I swear to god
my gut tells me 'no', it's something more

there is something
in the up and down of every day
in the knowing feeling and the lost feeling
in the 'living without caffeine' and then 'deciding it's ok to have a swig' kind of day
there is something
in
following your heart, your soul, the wind, your gut that tells you which way to go
when to shut the hell up
and when to open the hell up
when to wait and when to act
getting grounded
and then sometimes not giving a fuck
and just saying 'to hell with it' and living for the moment

when I have spent enough time alone
I come back to this
who I am
not encumbered by anyone else's way of seeing me
not encumbered by anyone else's way
I remember who I am and what I like and what makes me tick and move
and I come back to the world, more myself than I ever was
and I meet the world as me, not as what I think the world wants me to be
but too much time spent in the world
and I forget how to please myself
so hellbent I am on pleasing everyone else
I forget what I think and feel
no matter how strongly I think I have a grip on my own mind
I am too easily influenced
I am a chameleon, an actor

and nobody likes to be alone for too long, and we all have our definition of what 'too long' is
but I think it's true
and if you can wait and get past that 'too long' period
then you will truly feel contentment again
the kind of contentment
that makes you helps you be yourself your true grounded strong self
in any situation
it helps you make split second good decisions
and it gives you back your own wacky sense of humor
that nobody gets, except a few seconds later
but only if you truly commit to it
and that's pretty damn hard to do

I'm back to no caffeine     Not because I'm self imposing suffering not because I'm on some new anti caffeine kick not because of any other reason than this.    That I drop down I get grounded into the dirt like coffee grounds that I am finally truly there for people even more there for myself    I'm just more there.  My mind isn't off in lala land and even if it goes to lala land then I can come back to myself in the flash of an instant and I am there for whoever or whatever needs me. Even if its just me that needs me. I drop down.  Drop down into the ground into a very grounded place and nothing nothing nothing can rattle me unless I want it to.

sometimes it's good...

to take stock, to stop, to wait, to look, to wonder, to ponder, to just sit, to just not do anything, to just stop using commas to just keep going to just just just just just just stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop it's very freeing to stop it's very freeing to stop taking it in to stop taking in anymore from any direction at all like as if you are going on a fast no more from anybody not one more word not one more request not one more anything just be not one more book or news story or video or song or conversation just nothing more just to realize that you don't need anything else that you are okay as you are that there is nothing not a cup of coffee nothing that is going to make anything better besides just being where you are right now no  clean clothes no laundry being done no toilet being cleaned no counter being dusted or rearranged no clothes being picked up nothing is going to make you feel any better than just being where you are right now no song being sung no walk outside (well ok maybe a walk outside) but really there is nothing else that you need to do or be or say or eat or drink or touch (ok maybe touch) or lay down on or lay up on nothing nothing else needs to be said or done besides just being here right now and listening listening listening listening listening because it's all in the listening it's in noticing it's in paying attention like a hunter it's in stopping long enough and patiently enough to notice what is really going on to really see smell taste touch feel without really seeing smelling tasting or touching or feeling just using your senses without trying to use your sense just being in the 'beatles' sense of the word 'being' in the Buddhist sense too but not really because that often entails a lot of head battles just being just be here right now and don't think so hard about it just be and let it be and let it flow and let it go and pretty soon you will slow down enough to sit in your saddle of your beautiful horse and the horse will move and you will move too and you won't have to try so hard and it will just happen and you'll know what you need to do when the time and the day and the moment and the words tell you so.

writing

I write when I least expect it, suspect it, inspect it
I write because i'm going to pop if I don't
I write as a way to get closer to something
to understand, to dissect, to peer into my soul as I teeter into the skatepark bowl of a place I don't know
a new page
a new chapter
a new highway, vista
it's weird, entering into uncharted waters
carving your way through the ice as you go
chopping the leaves with your machete
scorching your path
i'm a little scared
i'm a little unclear
but one thing I know
is
that if I am ok with now
if I don't think too hard about later
if I squeeze the life outta life that exists
then that's all I need, all i'll ever need
and you never really need to look much farther than that
because if you can answer your own questions now
when the time comes for other questions you'll be ready
but stay where you are right now
and be here right now
and stop comparing where you could be
just be
and live a little, love a lot
right now
and you'll be fine.

a meditation

walking down the hallway
suddenly         fire electric        alarm      sway
zipping beeline         zipline                 beehive
nesting     in     the     corner       of      my      mind............... touché!

find ten things that you like about yourself
can you list them? can you? can you?
without shame             or                  vanity
humility                    or                  arrogance

automatic writing

i'm going to pretend that the keyboard is a ouija board and i will let my fingers go where they will since they say that ouija boards are really just a conduit of the non-conscious mind, the part of your mind that makes your eyes blink and so i am goign to do just that just like the neo-surrealists poet like the dadaists did way back when in ancient no not-ancient prehistoric no not prehistoric early 20th century france which is a time and place that i'd have rather lived except for all the disease and pestilence and rats and things and dying too young and dirty sewery places but yeah the art and good cooking would have been nice and surrealistic entrails of the mind is where my mind is going now down some tunnel down some dark dark dark dark dark dark forbidden zone some strange way of rastafarian ratatouille placement of the mat of the kitchen sink of the fingers going going going what does this mean doesn't mean anything does it have to mean something no it doesn't it's just being awake and dreaming at the same time it's just letting your fingers do the talking and the walking and the plummeting and the shenaniganing and it's the zone it's the place it's the place place place leave no trace and i am sinking sinking sinking into oblivion like the hypnotists always invite you threaten you cajole you to do and i've never quite trusted hypnotists at least the hypnotists i've mentioned i've seen i've met they alwasy seem to have some hidden agenda not just turning you into a chicken but other things strange things weird old white dude in a van traipsing around pt townsend and boys & girls clubs sorts of things i don't know but that's often the vibe i get from hypnotists and i believe there are some good uns out there but i think hypnotism is like masseuses you need to have one that you know already and trust i'd rather be hypnotized by a best friend than a complete stranger so there you have it like with anything it's good to know who you're talking to or dreaming to or whatever whatever england folsom tottenham court road that tall guy who used to be in those movies i liked to watch rupert guy weird birdlike man if ever there was a man who looked like a falcon or penguin or rat or what's the word i want? or tiger or raven yes raven if ever there was a man who looked like a raven it should be him yes rupert everett is a strange looking man who belongs wearing a black trench coat always and i could never imagine him with a suntan and that's just fine for him but it was slightly disappointing after having had the hugest teenage crush on him as a teenager when i found out that in person in interviews he wasn't nearly as dashing as he seemed in his movies not that men always have to dash about to be cool but you know there was this haughtiness this coldness this disdain that i just didn't like and so there you go it was kind of like my rude awakening of steve martin who was equally as cold a fish in interviews so there you have it. that's why movie stars are so short and the movies make them look so tall and warm and inviting but they're not always they're really not so i guess that's life and that's ok and i'm probably not that warm most of the time either especially living in a cold climate but i try try try i try to drink a lot of hot drinks so that the warmth of my fingertips touches my soul and i stay open to the crowds and the throngs and the good and the not so good and just stay open as long i can before my soul gets tired and withdraws and retreats to the entrails of my mind and and a

sometimes it's so hard to go to sleep
not because I don't enjoy sleeping
but because I don't want another day to end
one more day
when you are only allotted so many days on this fine earth

when I was a kid
(it always goes back to when I was a kid)
when I was a kid
one day felt like 100 years... I did so much
you lived 1000 lives in one day
now? not so much
but I try

I have lived in many places
I have many lovely memories
but I want more, more, more memories
that involve travel and distance and new glimpses of new landscapes
new experiences, new faces, new roads, new smells

I can't drive on the same road every day
without going a little more bonkers
something's gotta change
something's gotta give
something's gotta evolve
something
and it is
but it's sllllllooooooooowwwwwwwwwwww

I know you can travel deep inside
your inner world's child
can be the harbinger of unimaginable truths
and that's fine
but sometimes
you also need
the actual physical touch
of a rock you've never seen
moss that you've never felt
sand in your eyes and grit in your teeth
scents that make you close your eyes and remember the sea
sometimes you need to be
bombarded by too much stimulation

so that your mind
has to find a new way to make it all make sense
and when it does
you become
a better person