alright here it goes... more stream of consciousness babbling for the entertainment of my homies.... what did I discover today? I applied and discovered that augusten burroughs was right... forget about what everybody thinks and focus on the task at hand... I rediscovered that cats snoozing on backpacks is very cute because it makes us all think that they want to go to school with us... I don't e...ver want to take the xmas tree lights down, just because we are already a bright yellow house that screams 'joy' to the neighborhood so why not scream a little louder 'and don't forget about xmas too!!!' ... when other people recite lines from jim carrey films I get very happy as in 'I like it a lo--!' ... I have a lot of cleaning to do but even more 'forgetting about cleaning' so I can just sit down and chill out and accept the imperfections of this life... I need to do a series of cindy Sherman-like photos in order to entertain myself and the rest of this crazy butted world... and one of these days I'm going to transition over to twitter although I'm not sure why other than one of these days fb is only going to be for the faint of heart who are almost pushing up petunias.

life is strange and weird and good... walked into a coffee shop today. a senior sequimizen was getting his coffee... I was half awake. he was clearly more awake. he must have been able to tell I wasn't quite ready for the day. he said, "you know there are only 6 more weeks of this kind of weather" (I know he meant well, but is that supposed to be inspiring?) and then he went on to say that he was "on a walk this morning and the trees are starting to bud out" and "I even saw earthworms, big fat long earthworms, squeezing out of the dirt and so there are signs... signs that spring is coming." and I have to admit, things are starting to turn...

this is for anybody and everybody you know when you go go go go and your eyes are so dry that the contacts feel like they are sticking to your brain but you just can't quit you just can't lay down because you are saying goodbye to another day and like a kid laying in bed recounting the day and all the adventures who wants to say goodbye to that even though the new day will hold more because there is something about going to sleep that - although nice - is just stopping the fun ending the fun and although dreaming is nice and relaxing and all that jazz sometimes I would just like to keep going like jack Kerouac on crack except forget the crack i'll just take the long roll of paper he used to use butcher paper to keep on typing and typing and never stopping to breathe or change paper and wouldn't that be nice no spell check or grammar check just going and going and f*&k it if you make a mistake because it just doesn't matter like life like life it just doesn't matter if you forget somebody's name or you forget that you even had them as a student once because it just doesn't matter and what matters will boil to the surface and you'll find it if you need it and if it's really important you'll remember it and all that jazz and all that nonsense and all that and all that

what else?

a long nose but it suits his face
kinda like jesus
still          that haunting mona lisa smile
an openness to his eyes
especially when he would walk up real close
innocence
as if looking in only one of my eyes
at other times, he'd look from across the room
smoldering         I don't know how certain men do it, but they turn it on like a light switch
it's almost like feeling like prey
it's almost like they're angry
passion     so close to the surface

him

i had a dream, I was in my house
and he told me, 'it's cold in here. you need more warmth in your life.'

and I knew he was right.
he walked and his pants fell down.
I saw his smooth back, curves, legs
strong legs
the warmth of his smile
of acceptance
that everything would turn out just fine.
no matter how long it took to set it right.

smooth curve of his back
long serpentine legs
slightly stooped shoulders from reading a lot
a sweet smile, a smile that said, 'huh -- wow -- isn't that nice?' a little surprise in his smile. a little awakening. and when he smiled or even laughed, it was huge! like, this didn't happen very often. like, nobody rarely ever could make him smile, let alone laugh. that was HIS job -- to make everyone else laugh. so he was grateful... and surprised.

in a race

I'm in a race against time, hurrying along, trying to keep up with what with what with what? with whatever little carrots on a stick I set in front of myself to keep myself going. it's ok. I don't generally stop until it's 10 o'clock at night but I do stop then. I do. I really really do. but maybe I will inch closer each day. maybe each night I will try to wake up to myself a little bit sooner. sit down a little more. relax a little more. earlier and earlier until maybe it's even 5 o'clock that I start to relax and then maybe 4 or 1pm or 10am. hell maybe i'll even start the day relaxed and not care and not put one iota of effort into anything and just see where the day takes me I love it when I do that I love it when I say fuck it and chuck it for a whole day. there is nothing better than that. playing hookey. I need to do that more. we all need to do it more but one of these days I just need to play hookey with my day even as I go and enter the day. just turn the sign to 'closed' or 'shut' and keep going anyway. just close the blinds but still go out into the world. just go on autopilot. maybe that's what I do most of the time but I don't think so. I'm always turned to 'on' but not necessarily turned on. I want to be turned on but I want to decide when I want to be turned on.

can't help but do this

there is nothing nothing nothing more therapeutic than this. thank god I found it. thank god a long time ago a little ole lady named doddie whose real name was actually lara told me about this. about this. about writing. about this. a love that little did I know my mother bore into me and my dad, too. and then more and more people along the way. my cousin. my uncle. until finally finally finally somewhere at some moment I started to realize that this is what I love to do. not for anyone else's benefit and yet for everyone else's benefit. if more people wrote.... this world would be a better place.

I have no idea often what I'm going to write until I write and it often doesn't really make much sense or, to me, have much impact or seem to have much point, until I step away and look at it again. when I look at my life, I see a series of events that I think could happen to anyone. didn't everyone dream about being a little girl teeter tottering on a fence above a mess of pigs and then falling in? (I just realized that I had that visual from my childhood daydreams because of 'the wizard of oz' no less!!! I can't believe it! but didn't everyone have that daydream/pre-sexual fantasy?) maybe not! maybe they did? i'll never know unless I write about it or talk about it but mostly write about it and then maybe one of these days talk about it when I have the guts to bring up such inappropriate subjects in polite company.

writing to me is like an incantation. you are casting a spell. you are putting a spell on the world, on your life, by writing about it. it can be a very powerful thing. a toxic thing but also a very healing thing too if you handle it well. I have found in general that whatever I write about tends to come true so nowadays I am pretty careful about what I write. it really is like bringing something into the world. giving birth. if I say it, it will come... not always but often.

but I still do it. I still keep wishing and wanting and writing and waiting and needing and thinking and trying to make sense of it all and hoping and relaxing and just being and going with the flow-ing.

I'd much rather live my life this way than any other. I'd much rather write the passage of my life than fill out a questionnaire and have my life handed to me on a preplanned, prepackaged, digitized, formulaic-ized way where what I want is to-go food prepared to order and there is no whimsy or magic or romance in it. I may think I'm in control but I know I'm not. but I do like to pretend.

time for....a..... long....................... long............................... longer............................. spilling somehow that word fits best spilling                     like pinto beans falling out of a bag                               reggae and coffee                                  an unlikely combination but it works                          

I'd rather have large spaces                    than too many                dots                        periods                          stops                             I like the spaces in between                           like weekends                                and long drives before you've reached the bored point                   and unfinished thoug

it's very hard

to go from something
to nothing
to go from inspiration
to neutrality
to go from getting your caffeine fix whenever you damn well needed it
to cold turkey
to go from having a reason to get up in the morning
to having to fabricate a reason to get up in the morning
it's not that I don't have reasons
they're just not the reasons I used to have
and so I have to accept that... change
and often I don't like change
I had you
I had the eyes
I had the smile
I had the cheeky grin
I had the knowing glance
I had you

and now?
I have a different you
a thousands different yous
who are not quite you
there is one 'you'
that I like a lot
it's not the same as you
but the essence is the same
and the essence is...

the ability to see into me
the ability to know when to wait
the ability to get my sense of humor
and never question it, doubt it, undermine it
just go with it
just take whatever I have and support and sustain and spread it like hazelnut chocolate goo on toast
there is no you like you
but I catch glimpses of you in another
and I am reminded of what I need the most
I need someone who gathers me when I need it most
who sees me unraveling
and instead of taking pity
just smiles instead
and helps me find the joy in the unraveling
because there is
even when I think I have nothing left to say
this 'you' reminds me that whatever few words come to my brain
are enough
to begin again
and make it real
and make it fun
and make it new
and I do
and I stop judging
and I stop planning
and I stop thinking that this is the end
it's just the beginning
and it's all how you look at it
and as long as I'm not judging
then that's all that really matters
because everyone else's judgment
is just a load of crock
really, when you think about it, no harm intended
it's just the truth
unless they want to have fun with me at least 95% of the time
the rest of the world can just kiss my ass
and that's the way I think it oughtta be.

so it's time

it's time it's time it's time. it's time for me to think of the muses that keep me going when I least expect it. there are people - always people - but there are people who remind me always of who I am. who I am without kids who I am without anyone else... just me. people who just see me. not as a mom or a wife or a teacher. just me. those are the people who, just by thinking about them, visualizing them in my brain, I become me again. not that it's all about me but I think it's so easy to forget who you are in the maelstrom of people telling you who you oughtta be. from jerry Seinfeld who waxes endlessly on the necessity of marriage and who refuses to swear or do potty talk. from the relatives who can't understand why a person would ever be unattached. from the endless parade of couples, happy? who knows. but they're there. linked. for happiness or for unhappiness. I don't know. who knows. all I know is that, I believe, whether you are with someone or no, it doesn't really matter. what matters is are who you are no matter what. no matter who you are with. I have a student today who couldn't understand a question that I asked him. I asked him to think about different friends and family that he had. and did some people bring out a different side of him than other people. and he very politely but very genuinely said 'nope. I am the same person with every person I meet.' that astounded me. that floored me. maybe because I pride myself on adapting to various people but there is something very toweringly admirable about that. that here is a man, a person, who is always himself no matter what. maybe he doesn't swear and drink as much around his mom as around his best bud, but still.... he is honestly the same person always. that is a gift. a rarity these days. and I admire it. maybe I don't necessarily want to completely imitate it but still... I think I could stand to learn something from him. often it's the people you least identify with who have the most to teach you in the long run. so I'm curious. I'm interested. don't want to necessarily be like that always. I prefer to be a bit more mercurial than that.