can't help but do this

there is nothing nothing nothing more therapeutic than this. thank god I found it. thank god a long time ago a little ole lady named doddie whose real name was actually lara told me about this. about this. about writing. about this. a love that little did I know my mother bore into me and my dad, too. and then more and more people along the way. my cousin. my uncle. until finally finally finally somewhere at some moment I started to realize that this is what I love to do. not for anyone else's benefit and yet for everyone else's benefit. if more people wrote.... this world would be a better place.

I have no idea often what I'm going to write until I write and it often doesn't really make much sense or, to me, have much impact or seem to have much point, until I step away and look at it again. when I look at my life, I see a series of events that I think could happen to anyone. didn't everyone dream about being a little girl teeter tottering on a fence above a mess of pigs and then falling in? (I just realized that I had that visual from my childhood daydreams because of 'the wizard of oz' no less!!! I can't believe it! but didn't everyone have that daydream/pre-sexual fantasy?) maybe not! maybe they did? i'll never know unless I write about it or talk about it but mostly write about it and then maybe one of these days talk about it when I have the guts to bring up such inappropriate subjects in polite company.

writing to me is like an incantation. you are casting a spell. you are putting a spell on the world, on your life, by writing about it. it can be a very powerful thing. a toxic thing but also a very healing thing too if you handle it well. I have found in general that whatever I write about tends to come true so nowadays I am pretty careful about what I write. it really is like bringing something into the world. giving birth. if I say it, it will come... not always but often.

but I still do it. I still keep wishing and wanting and writing and waiting and needing and thinking and trying to make sense of it all and hoping and relaxing and just being and going with the flow-ing.

I'd much rather live my life this way than any other. I'd much rather write the passage of my life than fill out a questionnaire and have my life handed to me on a preplanned, prepackaged, digitized, formulaic-ized way where what I want is to-go food prepared to order and there is no whimsy or magic or romance in it. I may think I'm in control but I know I'm not. but I do like to pretend.