New Year's hopeful maybe goals

I know they say that it's better to 'do you best' rather than say you will 'try your best.' So I should be making New Year's resolutions rather than 'maybe goals,' but life recently has taught me to keep some room for flexibility in the picture rather than disappoint too many. It's not that I am not planning on implementing these ideas, it's that life gets in the way sometimes and I don't want to get too hard on myself because 'maybe goal' numero uno is...

1) get soft. I think the most beautiful thing that I have observed in friends lately is the ability to be soft. I admire people who are soft. they have a soft core. not a pushover but a softness. life gets rough sometimes and it's easy to slide into being tough all the time. having a deeper, lower voice to command respect instead of a softer, lighter pitch and gentler tone. but, in the end, we are all so much gentler and kinder towards each other when we allow for more softness. and it goes with everything. from how gently you hug someone to the volume of your voice to the kinds of words you rely on to make your point when life gets tough. do you resort to aggro words that bespeak power and domination or can you choose a softer word that still gets your point across. it's like antibiotics. do you go for the big guns, or do you try a gentler approach first and then increase intensity? I'm learning to approach things more slowly. choosing my words with greater care. caressing each word that I write or speak and touching the shoulders of my friends with a lightness of touch.

I'm also learning to be gentler with myself. not expecting so much from myself all the time. giving myself more time to complete tasks. saving more time for fun in my life. so maybe the fence takes longer to get fixed, it's alright. my attitude in the meantime is lighter. and, my theory goes, the sooner you get done with one task, it seems like more and more appear to fill the void. so maybe putting off a task actually staves off the rest of them from looming so heavily on my mind.

so I'm staying with my 'maybe goal' numero uno longer than usual. maybe this is my only real goal for 2015. maybe that's the best way to remember it. reduce it to one goal. grow gentler. change doesn't have to happen overnight. savor things longer. savor that chocolate kiss longer. savor the time alone longer. savor each moment longer rather than plunging ahead to the next task so willy nilly.

I still have a million one things I want to do right here and now. I want to travel, try to publish things, do more crafts, spend more time with my kids, spend less time with my kids. get more exercise, read more, get outside more, fix up the house more, there are just so many things that I can never get to that I need to get to like vacuuming the car. it's never ever ending and I feel, much of the time, like I don't know which one to do first because there are so many but I just have to take one baby step at a time and choose the best that I can. I can't do a million things at once. I just have to try do one. and then another. and then another... so what is next? what will I do with the next precious moments that I have been granted in a bodily form here on earth? finish my 'maybe goals.'

2) spend less time on facebook
3) spend more time reading
4) get more exercise, dancing, walking
5) clean my car more often
6) get more sleep
7) remove clutter from my house so it's more zenlike
8) revisit my 'maybe goal' list often so that I remember this stuff
9) write a happy list on the wall to remember the happy memories more because they say happy people remember happy things more and sad people focus on sad things more
10) get crackin right now
11) remove the clutter... yup, that's it. I want a zen household.

coming home

I am coming home to writing on this blog. I am realizing - by reading 'The Happiness Project' - but also just because of friends and that inner voice we all have when we slow down enough to hear it - that the only way to slog through anything and get anywhere is to chip in a little each day on whatever your goal is and do it. I have had a goal of writing a book for a long time. Yes, the world is full of books, as Ron Burgundy writes, and who needs another one... but it's not about that. It's about the process of trying to complete something, something bigger than what you think you're capable of doing. And doing it for yourself. Who knows if anyone anywhere will ever want to do anything with it. I can't think about that now. I'm just going to write it.

And I don't even know really what I want to write. I mean I do, but it's hard to explain. Ok, I'll try. I want to write something that is funny but also deep. But it's hard to write funny. It's hard to make yourself be funny. It's also weird writing funny because humor usually comes out of being social. You're trying to be funny for someone and I'm not really talking to anyone in particular right now so it's hard to think of funny. But I'm trying. Anyway, things will come. I just have to trust. Just do it. Do it and they will come. Wasn't that Wayne and Garth's pronouncement? Just do it. Do what you need to do. Do what needs to be done (The Happiness Project) and you'll keep chipping away at the bigger goal.

I first started getting into writing when I read 'Writing Down the Bones,' a book that this nice little ole lady gave me in Durango, Colorado once. It changed my life. Completely. And I have mentioned that book since then hundreds of times to friends, students, colleagues. I read all of her books in the space of a few years and again, life changer. It's a weird thought. That me writing down my thoughts is going to change anything anywhere, but like meditation I think writing works. It helps me to focus my mind, helps me to be at peace, helps me to be honest with myself and, if somebody else reads this and gets inspired to write or do whatever keeps them honest (e.g. maybe it's snowboarding, maybe it's cooking or becoming a connoisseur of fine teas) then so be it. But do what you need to do to be whoever makes you who you are.

Meditation helps people, they say, be more trusting loving giving calmer people for the world. I feel like writing helps me be a nicer person to the world, too.

It's not that my thoughts are that mind blowing. The truth is I think we all have thoughts like this. I just believe that by sharing them with 'the world,' that other people will also realize that their thoughts are valuable. Ok, so maybe, you argue, much of the world already thinks this. That's why we have so many blogs and places to comment on everything and facebook and twitter.... it's true. We are saying more and more and more and more but, I would say, how much is truly from the heart? And how much is for the sake of vanity? Not that vanity is bad, necessarily, but what I mean is how much of it is coming from a place of true truth? True truth. The truth of that person. If more of the world spoke their truth, I think we'd all be better off for it.

And I don't mean pure, unadulterated, tactless truth. I mean truth that is intended to benefit the world. Thinking of the bigger picture. Sharing my truth to benefit more people than just me.

So, that's sorta what I'm after. Sure, I would enjoy fame. Sure, I would love to be able to make a living doing this. But I think the only way to make a living at anything is to do what you love first and then eventually somebody somewhere might pay you for it.

Words to live by. Everyone has words to live by. For me, for the past few years, there are a few truths that have kept me going. One is... quiet. You need to cultivate some quiet in your life. It's so easy to get caught up in the world of hecticness, busyness, do do do, social calendars, buy buy buy, making more and more plans, saying yes to more and more people until you are never alone for a second. Every minute of your day is filled up with somebody somewhere as if we can't stand being alone with ourselves. I think I was afraid of being alone with myself for a long time. That's why it's easier to go on facebook than write in a blog. I don't know if anyone is reading this. I can't figure it out, to be honest. I don't get the 'stats' page. It doesn't make sense. Traffic sources? How do I know those aren't spammers? Anyway (ok going back to lowercase throughout... my preference... learned it from bertolt brecht and e.e. Cummings), it doesn't matter. in fact, it's better if nobody is reading this because I should be doing this for me. as soon as you start doing something to impress somebody else, often (not always) it falls through and you're not doing it out of a creative need, you're doing it to please somebody else's taste.

so yeah. being ok with being alone. being ok with less stimulation. less is more. it's hard. sometimes I get bored, very bored but then that's a good sign to either find more joy in what you have or actually get off your ass and do something new. either way, it's a good thing. I guess you could say I'm a minimalist. I know there are maximalists out there, if that's a word and if it isn't I'm going to make it a word, but I just don't think I'm often good at that. I'd like to be. I'd like to be better at it but I think I have spent much of my recent life living in a maximalist world and so I definitely need a change back to a minimalist world in order to regain some control over my life. not total control. that doesn't work either. but more control.

we all have our phases. our places. if you can find a balance. strike a balance. I like to try to be minimalist more often than not so when I do allow myself some splurging and pleasures then I really enjoy them. indulge all of the time and pretty soon it's just a world of chaos. 10,000 chocolate bars just aren't that enjoyable after awhile. but slow down and enjoy the pleasure and you can make one last a million years in terms of sensuality.

I know a lot of this is just drivel. I know I am repeating myself. ok, it's not drivel. that's harsh. I just mean, I'm not editing myself much of the time. but that's partly out of laziness and partly out of the impulse to just this out there and prevent myself from censoring myself. by worrying too much about editing, I actually impede the routine of me writing regularly and I need to get back to that. I need the regularity of that in my life.

so yes a lot of drivel will come but my hope is that eventually the drivel will get reduced. it's like burning fat. I'm burning a lot of fat right now exercising my writing muscle that's been flabby for awhile but I'm going to get it back in shape soon.

it's like my talkathon idea. I love the idea of a talkathon. of people just rambling on and on and on. I think really interesting ideas happen when two people who trust each other allow themselves to really just go with it. live in the moment with their two minds exchanging ideas. a conversation. but not all conversations are equal or equally interesting. it's like 'my dinner with andre.' I need to watch that in its entirety sometime.

I like that when I start doing this kind of thing, writing, I can virtually never stop. I love that about writing. I can't do much else. eat. exercise. clean myself up. I just want to write. i'll sit on the floor in the kitchen if that is the only plug available if I can just keep writing. that's how much I love it. and I love that I have found something that I love that much. I don't think a person can be any more grateful than finding something that they truly love.

life is short. you might as well enjoy it! that's what I say. doesn't mean I'm going to go out and eat 2 pints of B & J's chunky monkey ice cream, or paraglide across Hawaii, or move to tiajuana and live on oysters, or change my name to lara starsearch snickerdoodle, or sell it all and live on spam, or start to even contemplate a bucket list, or ride the same roller coaster too many times until I almost throw up, or tell the cashier at safeway my whole life story, or live on a boat for the rest of my life, or or or or or or or or..... but it does mean, you've gotta have fun or what is the point? what is the point.... that's what I say. ;))

late start monday

time space cats American girl dolls xmas tree lights that refuse to come down the same old man who keeps walking around the block with a bullseye on his old black ski cap crazy guy passing me on the shoulder in the rain making me go into oncoming traffic nothing like a wakeup call but wakeup calls... are good otherwise you might not know you're alive and I'd rather know I'm alive the mountaineer dude who lost all of his toes coming down mt Everest with only a knapsack and no tent and no oxygen said "unless there is the risk of death, it's not really an adventure" I don't know but he might be on to something wakeup calls come in all shapes and sizes even in the form of a lego space shuttle newly born on a late start Monday or a butterfly that refuses to budge from your sleeve

it's time for a pointless random story of a random stranger. an older man of the senior sequimizen persuasion told me a story about living in Alaska and getting into two bush planes accidents, the second of which involved a grizzle bear chewing off half his head. apparently, the plane hit the hibernating area of these two bears and when the plane crashed, the blood seeping from his nose attracted ...the bears, which then came full throttle at them but when the one rose up on its haunches, they were able to shoot it in the neck which stopped it finally but apparently somewhere in the shuffle it did manage to swipe its paw across his forehead. apparently in Ketchikan, ak, there is a museum with a grizzly in it that has some 24 bullets still lodged all over its body because it is hard to kill a bear esp due to the fact that their skull is so thick. I love random stories that people tell you that fall out of the sky blue.See More

ok

so this is it this is it this is !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am never going to stop writing this I am not even ever going to use punctuation ok I already just used some but I'm oops there was an apostrophe ok apostrophes are ok but exclamation points are definitely not ok and no periods or  commas or menstruation allowed either and I am just going to write and write and write a la jack Kerouac and I'm even going to try to heed my English teacher's advice I can't even remember his name Siobhan what was his name mr something or other and he said that you should not ever even use contractions why why why why does it matter if you use contractions I bet pregnant women would like to not have to worry about contractions why in god's name do I enjoy doing stupid puns like that but I do because they take you off guard there you are taking yourself so seriously so eruditely and then  oops out pops a dumb pun like a gun on the run for fun

ok I will have paragraph line breaks that's ok i'll allow myself that much maybe an occasional ellipsis or two ok so what can I say other than self reflective rather tedious remarks that are actually self referential not self reflective but I can't go back because that is not allowed what can I say what can I say other than why do I have so many self imposed rules I guess because all of writing requires some kind of structure some people write things that have plots that make some kind of sense some people write poetry in iambic pentameter and I choose to write stream of consciousness ramblings that are not stopped by time punctuation or rational sense so what's wrong with that maybe someone will find it interesting and if not then nobody has to really suffer because I'm not shoving this down anyone's throat now am I wow that was kinda harsh sounding wasn't it but it's just a phrase it's just an expression and sometimes it's nice to be verbally expressive even if it does sound a tad crass

ok little detour for a bit there that involved entertaining children and soaking up some movement and sun it's weird weird weird how I have such a mental block against staying at home why why why why is that I just don't get how people can stay home all the time I just want to go go go go and when I am stuck at home because kids are sick or don't feel like going anywhere I just go a bit nutty but then I think of other people who not only do it but make peace with it like my one friend who really relishes the idea of fixing up tidying up organizing redesigning her house and I think back to when I was a kid and could entertain myself for hours in my room or in my backyard and there was hardly anything such as playdates you just played with your sister or brother or self or maybe the two toe headed german kids down the street named wayne and Kirby who probably weren't even german but that's where my mind goes when kids are young and have really blond hair they were probably dutch or something or maybe swiss or maybe even finnish but somehow german comes to mind first I don't know why but it does is that because ok no I can't think about that anymore I am going to think and write about something else like the fact that sometimes I prefer writing to reading I really do I mean does that mean I'm a writer or am I just a narcissist and I think my words are more interesting than everybody else's it's not that I'm just fascinated with life and sometimes I feel like when you read something that somebody else wrote especially something that they wrote a long ass time ago then I feel stuck and in the past but if I find a writer who actually is alive and in the moment and inspires me to be in the moment  then I'm in               the                 momento

alright here it goes... more stream of consciousness babbling for the entertainment of my homies.... what did I discover today? I applied and discovered that augusten burroughs was right... forget about what everybody thinks and focus on the task at hand... I rediscovered that cats snoozing on backpacks is very cute because it makes us all think that they want to go to school with us... I don't e...ver want to take the xmas tree lights down, just because we are already a bright yellow house that screams 'joy' to the neighborhood so why not scream a little louder 'and don't forget about xmas too!!!' ... when other people recite lines from jim carrey films I get very happy as in 'I like it a lo--!' ... I have a lot of cleaning to do but even more 'forgetting about cleaning' so I can just sit down and chill out and accept the imperfections of this life... I need to do a series of cindy Sherman-like photos in order to entertain myself and the rest of this crazy butted world... and one of these days I'm going to transition over to twitter although I'm not sure why other than one of these days fb is only going to be for the faint of heart who are almost pushing up petunias.

life is strange and weird and good... walked into a coffee shop today. a senior sequimizen was getting his coffee... I was half awake. he was clearly more awake. he must have been able to tell I wasn't quite ready for the day. he said, "you know there are only 6 more weeks of this kind of weather" (I know he meant well, but is that supposed to be inspiring?) and then he went on to say that he was "on a walk this morning and the trees are starting to bud out" and "I even saw earthworms, big fat long earthworms, squeezing out of the dirt and so there are signs... signs that spring is coming." and I have to admit, things are starting to turn...

this is for anybody and everybody you know when you go go go go and your eyes are so dry that the contacts feel like they are sticking to your brain but you just can't quit you just can't lay down because you are saying goodbye to another day and like a kid laying in bed recounting the day and all the adventures who wants to say goodbye to that even though the new day will hold more because there is something about going to sleep that - although nice - is just stopping the fun ending the fun and although dreaming is nice and relaxing and all that jazz sometimes I would just like to keep going like jack Kerouac on crack except forget the crack i'll just take the long roll of paper he used to use butcher paper to keep on typing and typing and never stopping to breathe or change paper and wouldn't that be nice no spell check or grammar check just going and going and f*&k it if you make a mistake because it just doesn't matter like life like life it just doesn't matter if you forget somebody's name or you forget that you even had them as a student once because it just doesn't matter and what matters will boil to the surface and you'll find it if you need it and if it's really important you'll remember it and all that jazz and all that nonsense and all that and all that

what else?

a long nose but it suits his face
kinda like jesus
still          that haunting mona lisa smile
an openness to his eyes
especially when he would walk up real close
innocence
as if looking in only one of my eyes
at other times, he'd look from across the room
smoldering         I don't know how certain men do it, but they turn it on like a light switch
it's almost like feeling like prey
it's almost like they're angry
passion     so close to the surface

him

i had a dream, I was in my house
and he told me, 'it's cold in here. you need more warmth in your life.'

and I knew he was right.
he walked and his pants fell down.
I saw his smooth back, curves, legs
strong legs
the warmth of his smile
of acceptance
that everything would turn out just fine.
no matter how long it took to set it right.

smooth curve of his back
long serpentine legs
slightly stooped shoulders from reading a lot
a sweet smile, a smile that said, 'huh -- wow -- isn't that nice?' a little surprise in his smile. a little awakening. and when he smiled or even laughed, it was huge! like, this didn't happen very often. like, nobody rarely ever could make him smile, let alone laugh. that was HIS job -- to make everyone else laugh. so he was grateful... and surprised.

in a race

I'm in a race against time, hurrying along, trying to keep up with what with what with what? with whatever little carrots on a stick I set in front of myself to keep myself going. it's ok. I don't generally stop until it's 10 o'clock at night but I do stop then. I do. I really really do. but maybe I will inch closer each day. maybe each night I will try to wake up to myself a little bit sooner. sit down a little more. relax a little more. earlier and earlier until maybe it's even 5 o'clock that I start to relax and then maybe 4 or 1pm or 10am. hell maybe i'll even start the day relaxed and not care and not put one iota of effort into anything and just see where the day takes me I love it when I do that I love it when I say fuck it and chuck it for a whole day. there is nothing better than that. playing hookey. I need to do that more. we all need to do it more but one of these days I just need to play hookey with my day even as I go and enter the day. just turn the sign to 'closed' or 'shut' and keep going anyway. just close the blinds but still go out into the world. just go on autopilot. maybe that's what I do most of the time but I don't think so. I'm always turned to 'on' but not necessarily turned on. I want to be turned on but I want to decide when I want to be turned on.

can't help but do this

there is nothing nothing nothing more therapeutic than this. thank god I found it. thank god a long time ago a little ole lady named doddie whose real name was actually lara told me about this. about this. about writing. about this. a love that little did I know my mother bore into me and my dad, too. and then more and more people along the way. my cousin. my uncle. until finally finally finally somewhere at some moment I started to realize that this is what I love to do. not for anyone else's benefit and yet for everyone else's benefit. if more people wrote.... this world would be a better place.

I have no idea often what I'm going to write until I write and it often doesn't really make much sense or, to me, have much impact or seem to have much point, until I step away and look at it again. when I look at my life, I see a series of events that I think could happen to anyone. didn't everyone dream about being a little girl teeter tottering on a fence above a mess of pigs and then falling in? (I just realized that I had that visual from my childhood daydreams because of 'the wizard of oz' no less!!! I can't believe it! but didn't everyone have that daydream/pre-sexual fantasy?) maybe not! maybe they did? i'll never know unless I write about it or talk about it but mostly write about it and then maybe one of these days talk about it when I have the guts to bring up such inappropriate subjects in polite company.

writing to me is like an incantation. you are casting a spell. you are putting a spell on the world, on your life, by writing about it. it can be a very powerful thing. a toxic thing but also a very healing thing too if you handle it well. I have found in general that whatever I write about tends to come true so nowadays I am pretty careful about what I write. it really is like bringing something into the world. giving birth. if I say it, it will come... not always but often.

but I still do it. I still keep wishing and wanting and writing and waiting and needing and thinking and trying to make sense of it all and hoping and relaxing and just being and going with the flow-ing.

I'd much rather live my life this way than any other. I'd much rather write the passage of my life than fill out a questionnaire and have my life handed to me on a preplanned, prepackaged, digitized, formulaic-ized way where what I want is to-go food prepared to order and there is no whimsy or magic or romance in it. I may think I'm in control but I know I'm not. but I do like to pretend.

time for....a..... long....................... long............................... longer............................. spilling somehow that word fits best spilling                     like pinto beans falling out of a bag                               reggae and coffee                                  an unlikely combination but it works                          

I'd rather have large spaces                    than too many                dots                        periods                          stops                             I like the spaces in between                           like weekends                                and long drives before you've reached the bored point                   and unfinished thoug

it's very hard

to go from something
to nothing
to go from inspiration
to neutrality
to go from getting your caffeine fix whenever you damn well needed it
to cold turkey
to go from having a reason to get up in the morning
to having to fabricate a reason to get up in the morning
it's not that I don't have reasons
they're just not the reasons I used to have
and so I have to accept that... change
and often I don't like change
I had you
I had the eyes
I had the smile
I had the cheeky grin
I had the knowing glance
I had you

and now?
I have a different you
a thousands different yous
who are not quite you
there is one 'you'
that I like a lot
it's not the same as you
but the essence is the same
and the essence is...

the ability to see into me
the ability to know when to wait
the ability to get my sense of humor
and never question it, doubt it, undermine it
just go with it
just take whatever I have and support and sustain and spread it like hazelnut chocolate goo on toast
there is no you like you
but I catch glimpses of you in another
and I am reminded of what I need the most
I need someone who gathers me when I need it most
who sees me unraveling
and instead of taking pity
just smiles instead
and helps me find the joy in the unraveling
because there is
even when I think I have nothing left to say
this 'you' reminds me that whatever few words come to my brain
are enough
to begin again
and make it real
and make it fun
and make it new
and I do
and I stop judging
and I stop planning
and I stop thinking that this is the end
it's just the beginning
and it's all how you look at it
and as long as I'm not judging
then that's all that really matters
because everyone else's judgment
is just a load of crock
really, when you think about it, no harm intended
it's just the truth
unless they want to have fun with me at least 95% of the time
the rest of the world can just kiss my ass
and that's the way I think it oughtta be.

so it's time

it's time it's time it's time. it's time for me to think of the muses that keep me going when I least expect it. there are people - always people - but there are people who remind me always of who I am. who I am without kids who I am without anyone else... just me. people who just see me. not as a mom or a wife or a teacher. just me. those are the people who, just by thinking about them, visualizing them in my brain, I become me again. not that it's all about me but I think it's so easy to forget who you are in the maelstrom of people telling you who you oughtta be. from jerry Seinfeld who waxes endlessly on the necessity of marriage and who refuses to swear or do potty talk. from the relatives who can't understand why a person would ever be unattached. from the endless parade of couples, happy? who knows. but they're there. linked. for happiness or for unhappiness. I don't know. who knows. all I know is that, I believe, whether you are with someone or no, it doesn't really matter. what matters is are who you are no matter what. no matter who you are with. I have a student today who couldn't understand a question that I asked him. I asked him to think about different friends and family that he had. and did some people bring out a different side of him than other people. and he very politely but very genuinely said 'nope. I am the same person with every person I meet.' that astounded me. that floored me. maybe because I pride myself on adapting to various people but there is something very toweringly admirable about that. that here is a man, a person, who is always himself no matter what. maybe he doesn't swear and drink as much around his mom as around his best bud, but still.... he is honestly the same person always. that is a gift. a rarity these days. and I admire it. maybe I don't necessarily want to completely imitate it but still... I think I could stand to learn something from him. often it's the people you least identify with who have the most to teach you in the long run. so I'm curious. I'm interested. don't want to necessarily be like that always. I prefer to be a bit more mercurial than that.