oh man

exhausted
but not from doing anything
looking for inspiration
in the little things
and finding it
in the in-between things
a book, a thank you, a smile

it's amazing how
if you just follow your nose
it takes you
slowly
where you need to go
if you close your eyes
and just trust
in the slow slow slow slow process
of unfolding
and enjoying
if you can just get used to
hurrying up and waiting
if you can just sit still long enough
to enjoy
an unplanned, unforeseen conversation
with another mother you never thought you'd come to know
the warmth will take you where you need to go
and back again
and you'll forget your 'to do' list
long enough
to slightly piss off
somebody else and their 'to do' list
but that's ok
because
in the end
the good karma will come back to them
and we'll all be happier for it.

more blitherings and blatherings

it's time to move
it's time
time time time
time to sit where you are right now and accept it
time to get off your hiney and do something with yoself
time to create sthg new
time to bite off more than you can chew
time to try sthg you never knew
time to try
time to be open to whatever is
time to be surprised
time to just go go go with the flow
time to stop the dam dam and make your life happen the way you will it to
time to stick your neck out
time to sit back and be a voyeur
time to just let the world let you in
time to let the world in
time to find a way in
time to curtsey your way out
time to let it out in a shout
time to get mad, time to get pissed
time to just stay up all night and work through your mind to pass the time
time to not let the ghouls undermine
time to be stronger than thine
time to be quicker on the draw
time to step back from y'all and just be in awe

there's nothing like
taking a shower
to clear the palate of the mind
everything becomes cleansed
you know what you need to do
worries are, of course, washed away
and you are left with the bare necessities
what you must do to move forward
what needs to be addressed
not in the 'to do' list sense
but in the sense of... 'this will be exhilarating if I can get this done'
I MUST write a poem as soon as I get out of here
I MUST pay my mortgage so I stop worrying about that
I MUST find that song that emboldens my heart
I MUST get my bike and run and listen to my songs at the same time
I MUST stay as long as I like in this house and go absolutely nowhere in order to feel and remember what it feels like to be a kid again and have absolutely zero obligations to anyone at any time
I MUST remember that it's ok just to be here right now with no plans and no worries and nothing to do just daydream and remember and plan and just enjoy and be still and be loud and notice the little things and the big things like sunsets that you only get to see once because they'll never be the same again and little moments like kids building forts in the living room and going to bed and waking up in good moods and how many cups of coffee can I drink before I start to feel icky and meth-like and the most hilarious moments on TV shows that I hardly ever watch but I really need to watch more often and just relax and be chill with the kids in the living room with no tasks hanging over me and remembering how I used to change my clothes so many times during the day as a kid that my mom would have a stack of washed clothes for me to sort through each week of clothes that really weren't that dirty but I had put them in the laundry bin just because I had worn them for 5 minutes and then went on to my next outfit for the next part of the day.
I like showers because they show you what's what and sometimes I forget what's what in the 'to do' list of my mind. i'm sick of 'to do' lists. I want a 'to want' list instead. a 'must have or else' list. a 'it's now or never' list. a 'just improv it' list. a 'so be it' list. a 'whatever is whatever' list. a 'the spirit moves me and so that's where i'm going' list. a 'this was interesting and now i'm on to that' list. a 'stay up until 3am just because the inspirazione won't quit' list and an 'on and on and on until the break of dawn' list.

bedtime

god it's the cutest thing
bedtime
a teepee of blankets and gymnast landing pads
and word games of bouncing words off like 'mozzarella' and 'squares' leading to 'fire' and....too tired to make sense, the grumpies come and it's really time for sleep

I try to think of what I've read or heard today that inspired me
and it's a sunset and mark twain and the thought that the only thing holding you back is your own inner obstacles and focus on what you want to focus on and you will get there and sometimes all you have to focus on is the simplest of things like 'how to enjoy today, this hour, this moment' and sometimes it's bigger stuff like 'what the hell am I going to do with my life?' but either way it doesn't matter because what does matter is just right now and whether you are able to make yourself and those around you happy right now and in making other people happy, you make yourself happy so that's what i'm focusing on right now.

there are limits to how much one can do in a day or in a life but there aren't really either. it's never too late to start doing whatever it is you want to start doing. the only limits there are are sleep and food and eating so get those taken care of and you are on your way. if there are any other limits, they are in your mind. what other people say or think just doesn't matter. it's up to you. how should I spend my day? what should my family look like? what should I be reading? how should I teach? how many or few friends should I have? how much exercise should I get? it's up to you. of course, listen to some good sense now and then but ultimately it's also just up to you. be the writer of your own life. hold the pen and see where it goes.

there are so many 'shoulds' in my brain, I just can't believe I can even function sometimes. I SHOULD go outside more often. I SHOULD drink more water. I SHOULD get more sleep. I SHOULD sit still more and stop running around so much on my feet. I SHOULD not spend too much time on my own or else i'll end up hallucinating and seeing visions like my grandmother. I SHOULD not be out socializing so much because I need to buckle down and get my 'to do' list done more often. I SHOULD make my kids sleep in their own beds more often. I SHOULD not worry so much about petty little stuff like that if we are just happy the way we are. I SHOULD SHOULD SHOULD SHOULD SHOULD SHOULD SHOULD SHOULD SHOULD. god that word looks weird now. as it SHOULD!

oh my god, should i really do this?

yes I should
every single goddam day
write something
so I will
and a lot of it will be crap
and I can promise you that much
but some of it won't
and I can promise you that... too...yeah

let's see
profound momento of the day
when I realized that I wasn't the only person who analyzes to death things like
how long should one look at another person before turning one's gaze away
or
how long can I look away while forming my thoughts before the other person loses any interest in what i'm saying?
and sometimes people are thinking about what you're saying
even if they're not looking at you
and sometimes, they're just bored and zoning out
you never really know
so that's why you should just plunge ahead anyway
unless they tell you to stop droning on

and the funniest thing anybody has said to me in the last couple of days was this...
as I recounted for the umpteenth time
the circumstances of my speeding ticket
how I had been so focused on my 'to do' list and anxious about trying to get everything ready
for a party that was starting in a few hours that I just didn't have any brain power left to notice my speed but that I grew from this experience
and at least I learned to start using my cruise control
so that if I ever get too stressed out and forget to pay attention
at least the car will monitor my speed for me
and somebody said,
'oh great! even more reason to COMPLETELY disengage from the driving experience'
and I had to
laugh
laugh
laugh

i made a vow

to myself and to whoever and whatever life forms read this thing
that I will write down whatever thought flits through my brain on this page
for the next year or so
or maybe eternity
because... why the hell not?
it's not hurting anybody
and it might even help somebody
realize
that
it matters
what goes on in your brain... matters
and if everyone paid more attention to what was going on inside their brain
we all might be living in a happier, saner world

so here it is, in all of its truly undadulterated unobliterated uncensored glory
I laughed today
yes I laughed
and I was laughing after having been serious for far too long
and what made me laugh
was something my dad said
I don't even know what he said really
it was just the way that he said it
that offhand, nothing really matters kind of tone of voice? you know?
the voice that says, 'just relax... what FUN did you have today?' no pressure
because our life is really rather short
and we can spend it deliberating and doubting
or we can spend it enjoying and learning and being curious
and then later today
suddenly it hit me
something my kids said about liking something a lot
and then I thought of chris Farley saying, 'if you LIKE it so much, why don't you MARRY it!'
and it made me laugh
not because it's nice to make fun of huskier people
not because overeating is funny
but just because of him
just because he is a little kid in a big kid's body
and THAT's exactly what we need to all remember how to be
little kids.... inside... who feel things... who know things... who live things 'for reals'
who are honest with how they feel
who want things and are not ashamed to want things
who feel strong feelings and are not afraid to show them
who remember things, every little detail, every day
who take what you say and learn from it, syllable by syllable
boy that word looks weird right now... 'syllable'
who notice every little thing as they pass it by
and, if they can't, if it's not on their radar, it's because they are so absorbed by something else that they are completely and utterly committed to
that is the essence of kid-dom
and I don't care how old I get
I will try my damndest
never to forget how to do that
I don't know how
maybe the only way is to be around a lot of kids
but i'm gonna try
and I know for sure it starts with one thing...
remembering how to have fun and NOT be so serious all the time. stop....a lot... to have fun

the cats are mad at me

and the fence is broken (one slat, it's no big whoop)
and the house is still a mess (ok, i'm being a bit melodramatic)
and i'm just done (well, for the time being)
and i'm reading about dreamers and john lennon and that artists=dreamers
and I just don't care
I don't care care care today, just today,
about anything except
making myself a cup of coffee
and laying around the house
and writing
and maybe jogging
and getting caught up
and just being in my own space
with no one
to remind me
of the 10001 things I am supposed to be doing
shut it all off
turn off all the gadgets and gizmos
and just exist
just remember what it was like
when I was 7 or 12
and one whole day lasted a week
and I ended each day with a laundry list of all the fun things that i'd done
and I lay there in bed thinking of all the fun things that would come
the next day
and this morning
I had a dream that woke me up
I love those kinds of dreams
dreams that shake you awake
that force you to pay attention, remember me! i'm here! don't forget!
and I still remember the feeling of that dream
the presence, the urgency
the knowingness
the feeling that if I want to get caught up, I can
if I want to just lay around and be an artist, I can
if I want to sit and daydream, I can
in my dream, a smile told me it would all be okay
and strong feelings are okay
and mild ones are okay, too
and having rip roaring days are great
but having still ones can be just as pleasurable too
and all my life
I have resisted but been conditioned by the premise
that there is one way to live
one way to raise your kids
one kind of family to have
one kind of food to eat
one kind of politics to follow
one kind of art to make
one kind of party to have
one kind of friend to make
one way to teach
one way speak or laugh or think or listen or sit or stand or what kinds of jokes are acceptable or not
and all my life I have fought it and fought it and fought it
to forge my own path and cheesily make my own way
a la frank Sinatra
but i'm doing it
I've done it
and i'll keep on doing it
even if I end up sitting in a rocking chair with a 1000 cats
i'll do it
even if I end up adopting 15 kids just for the hell of it, i'll do it
even if I end up selling it all and living in an RV as I traipse around the  country just interviewing the world, i'll do it
but the one thing i'll never do.... is
not be me.

nighttime

sometimes I sit there and wonder
is it better to go to bed early and get some sleep?
or stay up late and do everything that I want?
what will I regret more later?
what will I be inspired by more later?
what will carry me through the next day?
what will send me crashing into the sea?
I am convinced, no matter what the latest scientific study says,
that if you stay up at night, if you stay up in life
and do what you want to do when you want to do it
even if it carries you into the wee hours of the morning
even if it means you drink a cuppa joe at midnight
even if it means that you go to sleep at 9am and wake before dawn
even if it means that you stay up and answer all the petty emails you're supposed to answer and then when you finally have time for yourself then you realize it's too late and it's time for bed but instead you stay up and read that high school English class novel that you've been trying to read for the past three weeks and have gotten nowhere fast with but which has stayed with you hauntingly for the past 3 weeks.
and the cat lays there like a black puffy marshmellow inviting you to sink your teeth in
and the house is a happy mess after a happy hallowe'en party full of happy memories that they'll savor when they're older and older
and I am tired but not as tired as I would be if I hadn't had pushed myself so much that I ended up having my todo list in my head ransack my brain and prevent me from noticing the cop tracking my speed and then issuing me a ticket for $113 when, he happily pointed out to me, could have been as high as $800 given all of the outdated paperwork I had in the car so I bit my tongue and accepted the ticket but also realized that it was a good thing because it made me realize that unless I say 'no' sometimes to the endless demands on my time and my mental space then I am simply inviting the cops in my brain to put the brakes on my life FOR me so I might as well find a way to say 'no' on my own to some of all the happy mayhem that keeps coming my way. asta

meant to do

i think this is what I was meant to do. really I do. I read jack Kerouac's 'on the road' once and I think ever since then I have idolized the art of stream of consciousness writing/being. and so I write this way. and maybe it's annoying and maybe it's self-indulgent but the truth of the matter, who cares. nobody has to read this and if this helps anybody by reading it then so be it. it helped me once. maybe it will help somebody else.

I think we are all too cooped up in our own lives. I think we all bundle our lives under protective coatings of 'I've got my shit together' and 'I don't want to impose any of my burdens on yours' that we all live these very small lives not sharing, not caring, and not learning from each other's ups and downs. it's not that you have to vent and spew and exhaust everyone but there is a fine line between spewing and reaching a deeper truth that grabs us all on some gut level and makes us shake and that is what I am shooting for.

often when I share the dirty laundry of my life, ok maybe not ALL the dirty laundry, but enough of it, enough of it to be daring, enough of it to say 'look, i'm not perfect and maybe you don't feel like you have to be too,' then I see people change and grow. I see people open up, ever so slightly (in a slight british accent) and become a little more relaxed a little more at ease a little more accepting of wherever they are right now.

right now I have a ginormous todo list, right now I should be grading, right now I should be cleaning the house, doing the dishes, making breakfast or getting the kids to make their own, right now I should be getting more exercise, right now I should be doing a 10001 things besides sitting here writing, but I have found that this gives me more pleasure and more energy for the day than just about anything else. this spewing of the little insights here and there I gleam. because what is the point of each day other than this. I mean really. getting a paycheck? doing the laundry? the point is, hopefully, we are learning a little bit more each day so that each day can be a little or a lot more pleasurable. we can find our way a little or a lot easier and we can get better at helping each other have a lot more pleasure and joy and fun and goofiness and silliness and stupidness and profundity and meaning and memories in theirs.

so find whatever is your G-spot and do it, use it, or lose it. and then help everyone else find their G-spot, too, and the world will be a better place for it.

so here's what i think

not that what I think matters or that what anybody thinks matters, really, in the scheme of things because life changes day to day and reality changes and we are all just doing the best with what we have at our disposal and all you can do is look forward and look back and try to take the best from both then and now and later. all I know is that it's not worth it. none of it is worth it. not in the nihilistic sense, just in the sense that you've got today you've got now this is what you've got and you can either enjoy what you've got staring right at you or not. I've learned this time and time again and I know it's no big whoop and I know it's not mind boggling new or different but I think it's important to remember as we slog our way through life as we think we've all got it figured out this minute or the next and that it just doesn't matter. what matters is to laugh. what matters is that you see someone in the hallway and they stop to talk to you not because they need something from you not because you need something from them, just because and those are the best kinds of stops in the hallways. someone just lightens your load just because they are there and they're interested and they're curious and that's it. it boggles my mind really. when my life has a todo list the size of Alaska, and I know everyone else does too, it boggles my mind that somebody just wants to stop me on the stairwell or stop me in the hallway or stop me on the front steps of the theatre and just chat, chat about nothing, chat about dresses and smiles and evacuation drills and winter quarters and nothing really just nothing but the presence of the mind, the presence of this other soul that you knew at another point in your life, a show you worked on together, a play you both poured your heart into and you just were there once in time together laughing and joking and simply their presence is all that you need to remember who you were and who they were and suddenly your string of events of your life is connected again and you are traveling along with a full load but a full load with a series of train box cars that are connected instead of disjointed and your life is full again and complete and you're not stepping in potholes anymore you're just stepping and floating above the breeze because someone's presence lifted your presence so much that you are literally floating one foot above the ground by the sheer force of their indomitable will and presence.

non-caffeinated sojourn

sometimes
when i'm patient with myself
when I just decide - that's it! i'm going with the flow, not in front of it, not against it, not behind it
when i'm willing to just be with whatever plops in my lap
when i'm willing to let go of my agenda
when i'm willing to let life surprise me
that's when I say 'no' to coffee
not a mean 'no'
not a resentful 'no'
just... nope
you can't tempt me now
you can't get inside my brain and tell me that my life will be oh so much more exciting
if I am feeling that zing in my lips
that whirr in my brain
that wind that picks me up and takes me wherever it wants to go
nope
I just say nope
and I slow down enough
to finally notice things
when i'm not speeding by at 150 mph
I finally see that horse over there, 300 yards away, peeing in the field with its hind legs outstretched
I finally notice that my kids are happily reminiscing about their drawing contests last summer
I finally notice that i'm a little bit gentler, a little bit softer, a little bit nicer when i'm not on it
and, consequently, everyone is a little bit nicer around me too
it doesn't take big changes to make your life a whole lot better
just little changes that add up slowly over time
so that nothing feels too pressing or urgent or absolute
just little suggestions to help you find your way here or there with a little less stress or trepidation
i'm not giving up on coffee, never will
i'm just picking and choosing with whom and where and how long we rendez-vous
zippedy doo woo

note to self

I need to write some story
about a person who can't end a conversation
whether it's email or text or whatever

person A: well thank you it's been really nice talking with you
person B: yes, nice talking with you too
person A: thank you, I really appreciate you taking the time to explain this to me
person B: it's no problem. I wish you the best of luck.
person A: thank you. that's really nice. see you again sometime
B: sure thing.
A: ok, well you take care now.
B: I will, you too.
A: and don't forget to stay in touch.
B: I won't. you too. it's been too long. we really need to - life is too short.
A: it is, isn't it. let's make a point to really stay in touch.
B: you're right. let's not just say it, let's do it.
A: ok, then, well you take care. i'll talk to you later.
B: ok, me too you too.
A: alright, god it's hard to say goodbye sometimes. ok, you first.
B: no no. you need to end this conversation first. i'll wait until you end it, and then I will end it too.
A: no, I like to be the last one who talks so let me have the last word.
B: hey, let's end this at the same time.
A: ok.
B: ok then. 1 - 2 - 3
A: go!
B: go!
A: ok goodbye!
B: bye!
A: it's been real.
B: a real long time!
A: go now!
B: I will! you go too!
A: ok, i'm gone.
B: no, you're not.
A: yes, I am. stop reading this. just pretend i'm gone and then i'll go.
B: ok.
A: alright then, go.
B: ok. bye!
A: are you still there?
B:
A: hello?
B:
A: ok good then. finally
B:
A:
B:
A:
B: bye
A: I KNEW you were still there!
B: GOOOOOO AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A: ok, asta muchacha
B: ciao bella

sunny farms

Sunny farms
I sit here
In the parking lot
Eating my spoils
Caramel.    Salty chips.  Salmon spread.
This place is weird
It's like home but not
It's like family but not
It's like 'the real world' but not
And I'm glad
That when I walk in I have to yield
To a different rhythm other than my own
But eventually
It becomes mine too
Sunny farms
The place where all my worlds collide
Sunny farms
You're just a store
And I won't say 'but oh so much more'
Sunny farms
A place
Where stray souls meet kindred folk
And for a moment
You are lost in time
And can forget why you even came in
Other than to find yourself on a shelf
In your prime
Patient.   Bare.   Open.    Aware.