meant to do

i think this is what I was meant to do. really I do. I read jack Kerouac's 'on the road' once and I think ever since then I have idolized the art of stream of consciousness writing/being. and so I write this way. and maybe it's annoying and maybe it's self-indulgent but the truth of the matter, who cares. nobody has to read this and if this helps anybody by reading it then so be it. it helped me once. maybe it will help somebody else.

I think we are all too cooped up in our own lives. I think we all bundle our lives under protective coatings of 'I've got my shit together' and 'I don't want to impose any of my burdens on yours' that we all live these very small lives not sharing, not caring, and not learning from each other's ups and downs. it's not that you have to vent and spew and exhaust everyone but there is a fine line between spewing and reaching a deeper truth that grabs us all on some gut level and makes us shake and that is what I am shooting for.

often when I share the dirty laundry of my life, ok maybe not ALL the dirty laundry, but enough of it, enough of it to be daring, enough of it to say 'look, i'm not perfect and maybe you don't feel like you have to be too,' then I see people change and grow. I see people open up, ever so slightly (in a slight british accent) and become a little more relaxed a little more at ease a little more accepting of wherever they are right now.

right now I have a ginormous todo list, right now I should be grading, right now I should be cleaning the house, doing the dishes, making breakfast or getting the kids to make their own, right now I should be getting more exercise, right now I should be doing a 10001 things besides sitting here writing, but I have found that this gives me more pleasure and more energy for the day than just about anything else. this spewing of the little insights here and there I gleam. because what is the point of each day other than this. I mean really. getting a paycheck? doing the laundry? the point is, hopefully, we are learning a little bit more each day so that each day can be a little or a lot more pleasurable. we can find our way a little or a lot easier and we can get better at helping each other have a lot more pleasure and joy and fun and goofiness and silliness and stupidness and profundity and meaning and memories in theirs.

so find whatever is your G-spot and do it, use it, or lose it. and then help everyone else find their G-spot, too, and the world will be a better place for it.