so i have to do this

I don't know how the rest of the world does what they do. I don't know how they go along day after day without analyzing the shit out of all this. and I mean 'shit' in a good sense. I love trying to understand life, people, craziness, nuttiness, aloneness, togetherness, the meaning of it all, the point of it all, why we do what we do and why other people do what they do and what are we all thinking and feeling as we're doing it. that is what I love to do and I just don't get why more of the world isn't as fascinated with this as I am. and it's not like there is any one definitive answer which is what makes it even more intriguing. everyone has their own insight into it and I love it love it love it. life and its endless permutations fascinations meaningsations.
plus, I'm drinking coffee...

as Natalie Goldberg told me once in a book, you just have to write you just have to write just get it out stop analyzing but analyze stop being but be notice notice see the world around you stop worrying if it's perfect or mind boggling or amazing or stupefying or monumental or the words that will change everyone's life, it's your life they will change your life if you let them out not that total lack of censorship is the answer either but these words these thoughts these feelings in our hearts and minds and guts get trapped and they fester and sit and dwell and take on a life of their own and then begin to seem to real so if you get them out either with a friend or a stranger or better yet on paper or a screen then they can't control you anymore your thoughts are not in charge of you anymore you are in charge of your thoughts and this may sound very ted kesinski-ish or however you spell his name but it's a good thing, not him trying to bomb people, but it's a good thing to let the spillage and sewage and dandelions and bougainvillea vines of your mind spill out and shine and not die inside, become putrid and acrimonious and pointless and live an internalized undignified life, let it out let it rip get rip roarin and don't look back. I am so lucky so lucky so lucky that I had a mom who wrote a dad who writes and that someone named doddie who I barely really ever knew gave me a book one day that changed my life 'writing down the bones' because that book switched the direction of my life, I mean before that book I was writing but after that book my life went into hyperoverdrive and the writing I wrote changed the course of my life and even now as I write this I know I am changing the course of my life even if that means the course I am taking is staying on course and staying steady sometimes the most radical thing you can do is to do nothing and that is often the hardest thing to do. to just sit and wait sit and wait and let the universe come to you and speak to you and stop haranguing it all the time.

ok so this is what i do

i write and I write and I write and I write
until my fingers relax
and the words flow
and I don't really give a rat's tushie
whether anyone reads this or not
it's just for me
but it's not
it's for the world to see
but not
because
I want to parade my wares or stare into my navel
but because
I feel
like
all of us
all of us
have too much going on inside
and all of us
all of us
would benefit by letting it out
and not that we need to let it all out
god knows some of it can stay in
sometimes I sit and I sit
biting my tongue
biding my time
and I think... why don't I have a taste of my own medicine? why not squeal it out
but the truth is
you WILL squeal it out
when the time comes
it will become very very clear
when you need to
until then
bide your time
it's all in good time
but let the rest of it out
whenever you can
I know too many people
who are so good
at letting it out
without really letting it ALL out
they are exuberant
they live life to the fullest
but they also don't rain on everyone else's parade
I look towards these people
I try to learn something from them
anything
sometimes it's just in their abundant smile
sometimes it's in their gutsy laugh
sometimes it's in their generosity
sometimes it's in their impetuosity
sometimes it's in their quietude
sometimes it's in their permissiveness
sometimes it's in the way that they don't give a cahuna's hiney what they eat for dinner
sometimes it's in the way they punctuate the ending of every conversation with a smile, exclamation point and letting go into the void affirming that they will be happy, always happy, no matter what, life's too short not to be happy
sometimes it's in their eyes, the gentle focus of their soft gaze that never, oh no never, judges and never, oh no never, rushes you along headlong, they are patient beyond belief
and sometimes I just can't keep up
but I try, try to squeeze a tiny drop of their toothpaste onto my toothbrush
and hope that a bit of their zen-ness will rub off on me
I know too many people
who show me the way
to lose myself in negativity, whininess, or self pity
although I am very good at those qualities too, when I feel like it
not that there is anything wrong with those either, and I do not speak fecestiously
we all need to let it go into whatever pit our mind wants to go
but if you feel like it's time to pull yourself out
then there's always a way
just let it go
let it go
let it go

Gentleness and patience
Two cheesy words in a cheesy world
I am feeling heartless and cold
But not hopeless
Better to own up to it
Than submerge it in pretty words
I'd rather be honest than a debutante
Fake smile standing in line
Waiting to make the parade
This is my place
To own it
And I will
I have steeled my heart
Against a lot of nonsense
But I will never
Steel it against gentleness and patience
The look in a friend's eye that says....
Take all the time in the world that you need
Because whatever comes out comes out
And I don't care I don't judge
I know a few people who can withhold judgment for a very long time
And I
Am
Inspired

This pen
So soft , the ink flows easily
My favorite pen
Cheap, from 'Edward jones financial advisor'
I like things
That come and go
Sometimes I clutch this pen and never let it go
Sometimes it disappears
Winds up lost and found on some table somewhere
Total fluke that I find it again
That's how it should be
Let things be
And where they end up is where they oughtta be

i had a friend once

let's just call her michelle
and she taught me how to be grateful
so did her brother-in-law, in fact
she taught me how to savor the flavor of a mini reese's cup
how to slow down
how to enjoy doing absolutely nothing but talking about nothing at all
how to let our minds meander at will
how to be entertained by the simplest of details
how to enjoy the words 'thrifty people ahhhh'
just because they are fun to say
she moved slowly
and yet she could also take a very quick shower when she had to be somewhere in a hurry
she knew when to speed up and when to slow down
and I appreciated that
and I am so lucky
I have so many people that I have met since her and before her but mostly since her
who have reminded me of her
and that quality
but I don't know
not many measure up to her in that respect
it's hard to compete
she takes nothing for granted, not one speck, not one look, not one choice of word
she slows down
and in my mad dash to get through my day
to keep clothes clean
and kids from hollering
and peace keeping
and bills to be paying
and papers to be grading
and exercise that never gets done
and parties that have to be had
and groceries that need to be bought and sorted
and clothes and toys that need to be picked up
and friends that need to be called
and sleep that needs to be had
and time alone that needs to be savored
in my mad dash to do it all and do it all well
I hardly have time to enjoy any of it
and so I do... I stop being grateful, and then I stop being happy
and then I think I need more money
and more friends
and more this and more that
and more exercise
and more youthfulness
and more and more and more
and nothing I have is enough
and I am not good enough
and nobody is good enough
it's true - to be happy you have to start by being grateful
and to be grateful you have to slow down and look and act on it, the opportunity, when it arises
and it will arise
again and again
if you slow down enough to look at it
there is a fear in gratefulness
a fear that... if I start getting too complacent, if I start thinking that this is good enough
then I will stop trying to seek more
there's a fallacy in that, somewhere
there's a disconnect
there was a woman poet on the radio today
she talked about loneliness
and she talked about how when you're in the south
and you're talking to old ladies
you can ask them all the questions you want
but they are only going to tell you so much
and the best way to get someone to talk
is to stop making them talk
everyone will reveal everything you need them to
if you just quiet yourself enough to listen, and not pry, just listen
if I worry too much about being too content with the way things are
if I spend too much time worrying that if I don't knock on the door of opportunity, then the opportunity will go away
if I fret too much about being a woman of action and that I have to do more to achieve more
then I'm not letting much of the universe in
the universe will come in, if you let it and you're quiet enough to let it feel comfortable to walk in
so get quiet, listen, think about what you like, and what you're happy to have, and then notice
see if it begins to happen
see if you begin to see more and more reasons to radiate the love
because it will start to radiate and then more love will come your way if you let it
because that's all it really boils down to anyway, right?
the love.
what am I grateful for? what do I have right now?
I've got time late at night to think
I've got friends who introduce me to new music, new filmmakers, new comedians, old comedians
I've got kids who are growing nicer and nicer by the minute, even after they fly off the handle, they are able to come back down to earth and be nicer and nicer each day
I've got a leg that works again
I've got a nice house, nice cats, a nice comfy bed that is as wide as the sea
I've got a smashing yellow and purple and pink house
I've got friends who write me out of the blue from years gone by from distant lands overseas
I've got a dad whose voice sounds the same as it sounded when I was a child
I've got a sister who I've grown closer to and yet we are just as close as we ever were
I have a friend who loves these kids as much as me, their dad
I've got my health
I've got a little money in the bank, I've got enough
I've got the ability to cook, and I've got recipes in my head that will take me where I need to go
I've got a sense of humor, I can do accents
I've got the ability to drink coffee again and not be afraid
I've got students who make me think and remind me to stay open and aware and awake
I've got colleagues who let me know how dear I am to them, and them to me
and I've got a pair of jeans that fit just right and make me feel as sexy as can be.

i finally get it

i finally understand, get it, I'm one with it, I'm one with the idea that it just doesn't matter and yet it does. it just doesn't matter what happens today or tomorrow or the day after and yet it does. that it's ok to have hopes and dreams and wishes and yet it's also important to let all that go. just let it go. there's no point to it. you can't really live in that fluff. you have to be right here and right now. you have to have something someone somewhere some place to love right here and right now. you have to love this moment you have to be in this moment you can't be in some other moment you have to be right here and right now. it doesn't matter what comes out of your mouth and yet it does. you can be okay with silence but you also can't delay. can't get stuck. can't sit still too long sitting on something you know you should or could or want to do. either do it or let it go. either live it or move on. when I was doing improv in Chicago a  couple dozen moons ago, I learned this principle very quickly. the kids who could do it. the kids who made it alive and sparkle and twitch and real... they were moving. they didn't sit still. even when they were sitting still they weren't sitting still. they were alive. they were reverberating vibrating from the inside out. they were bubbling and steaming and roiling and boiling inside. they were alive. and it was the most delicate of stoppers on the outside of their delicate lips that stopped them from bubbling out every thought and idea in their head. they had some self control but they didn't let that self control stuntify them, freeze them, paralyze them. they lived in the torment in the moment in the creative zesty incontrol outofcontrol momento of it. they lived on the edge and they didn't look back. at least not until the end of the day when it was time for a beer and some refreshment and friends and laughs and ease. but when you are hot on the plate of life, you just have to live it. you can't sit and analyze it. noontime or midnight if that is your living time, you have to get out there and do it be it see it wing it live in the muddy trampoline-ness leanness of it. kids hanging on your back not leaving you alone exhaustion of it. not saying the right words, sounding like an ignoramus, do it. never be afraid to 'risk to risk!!!' as charlotte in the play I directed said. man oh man oh man oh man oh man oh man oh man oh man... when will I remember to do this in my every day daily life sun up to sun down life. when will I learn how to live like today is the last day that I'm alive? when will I be that awake? I'm slowly getting there. I'm slowly inching my way towards making every moment counting. towards not taking for granted every possible second, every possible smile, every possible lovely human being I bump into and also every human being that I don't have the time of day for because you can't listen to everyone spill their guts but you can be there for a second or two with them and live their life with them for a moment and then go back to your own. and see where it takes you. I don't know where my life is taking me. I don't know what the point of any of this is other than beauty and joy and time and space. my friend Freya once said to me... after I asked her... what is the point of all this? why do we do this? why are we here? what are we doing here every day drinking our coffee going to work having kids? what are we doing?... she just said... it's for the beauty of it. there is beauty in all of it. enjoy relish savor the beauty. it's there. look for it.' I had no clue what she meant. I did but I didn't. beauty? beauty? something as superficial as that? but it's true. it is and it isn't superficial. what is beautiful to you may or may not be beautiful to me but the point is maybe me finding the beauty in this moment, this shriek, this trash can, this flower, this piece of music, this laugh, this sarcastic remark, maybe me finding the beauty in something you never  thought you could find beauty in might makes your world a little more beautiful and vice versa. we help each other see the beauty if we let each other in long enough to help each other see it all together.

a little space

sometimes alotta space but sometimes a little space
is all you need
a little space
to slow down
think your  thought
finish your thought
eat something bad for you
do something fun for you
a little space
to notice something anything outside the norm
a little space
to slow down enough to be grateful for something
a little space
to get an idea that will take you somewhere you've never been before
a little space
to get space cadety
a little space
a little space
a little more space
and then take up some more space
until the clouds outside don't bother you anymore
because your mind can travel farther and wider
and nobody can stop you..... ever
and contentment quadruple exponentially in every direction
and nothing just doesn't fucking matter
ssssssssssssss                ppppppppppppppppp               aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa    ccccccccccccc      eeeeeee

don't know

don't know don't know don't know know know know know know know know know...................................................................................................................................................................................
it takes timmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee to come back to yourself, to figure out who or what your voice is, to remember your likes and dislikes, to get quiet enough to listen to the tick tock of your soul and where it wants to go when the cacophony of liberty is spendthrifty pennywhistle jocular testing you by the millisecond. when I was little, all the secret essence of life living is there, when I was little all I had to do was lie down on the yellow rubbery trampoline in the backyard of our log house on the hairpin turn of a little hippity dippety country road in white rock, Vancouver, british Columbia, Canada, to remember and slow down and figure it all out and have it all come back. I could remember my favorite moments like getting to ride on my family's riding lawnmower and the thrill of having the responsibility of that little machine under me was all I needed to make the rest of my day fly sky high pie riding for nigh.

i am done

I am done with waiting for life to begin I am done done done done done done done done done. life begins right where you are at. it doesn't start tomorrow. it doesn't start next week. it starts right now. it starts with taking your first steps towards whatever the hell it is that makes you happy and that is life. life in a nutshell. and I don't care how fucking hallmarkish that sounds. it's fucking well true. and I love saying the word 'fucking' and I love writing the word 'fucking.' there is just no other word that adds enough emphasis as the word 'fuck' so I think I need to say it a whole fucking lot more.

I have friends in this world who inspire me challenge me placate me motivate me show me how to be me and I need to listen. I need to listen a helluva lot more. I need to stop lingering to listen to the naysayers. I need to stop letting my soul get squashed by the downers. I need to just stop and notice and listen and breathe and remember who I am and be who I am

it's not that we all need a bunch of 'yes-men' around us to function. but we all could do with a bit more encouragement in this life. there's no harm in that. and if no one is out there to give it, then hell fucking give it to yourself! for crying the fuck out loud!

god I love saying 'fuck.'

so yeah, fucking listen to your soul, fucking live a little, fucking be curious, fucking do something new with each day because there are only so many days left and maybe that's too doom and gloom and we shouldn't keep thinking about the end but if it means we gamble more right now if it means we take more risks if it means we stick our neck out a bit or a lot farther then so fucking be it. make mistakes. wear mismatched socks. say the wrong thing at a dinner party. tell a bad joke. eat too much ice cream. drink too much and dance. spill wine on the carpet. forget to pay your bills. but live a little! make mistakes. do it. it's worth it. quit trying to be perfect. there's no fun in that. you're not alive if you're perfect. you may be 100% organic, GMO, soy free.... but you're not alive.

navel gazing

it may seem like pointless navel gazing
and maybe it truly is
but I swear to god
my gut tells me 'no', it's something more

there is something
in the up and down of every day
in the knowing feeling and the lost feeling
in the 'living without caffeine' and then 'deciding it's ok to have a swig' kind of day
there is something
in
following your heart, your soul, the wind, your gut that tells you which way to go
when to shut the hell up
and when to open the hell up
when to wait and when to act
getting grounded
and then sometimes not giving a fuck
and just saying 'to hell with it' and living for the moment

when I have spent enough time alone
I come back to this
who I am
not encumbered by anyone else's way of seeing me
not encumbered by anyone else's way
I remember who I am and what I like and what makes me tick and move
and I come back to the world, more myself than I ever was
and I meet the world as me, not as what I think the world wants me to be
but too much time spent in the world
and I forget how to please myself
so hellbent I am on pleasing everyone else
I forget what I think and feel
no matter how strongly I think I have a grip on my own mind
I am too easily influenced
I am a chameleon, an actor

and nobody likes to be alone for too long, and we all have our definition of what 'too long' is
but I think it's true
and if you can wait and get past that 'too long' period
then you will truly feel contentment again
the kind of contentment
that makes you helps you be yourself your true grounded strong self
in any situation
it helps you make split second good decisions
and it gives you back your own wacky sense of humor
that nobody gets, except a few seconds later
but only if you truly commit to it
and that's pretty damn hard to do

I'm back to no caffeine     Not because I'm self imposing suffering not because I'm on some new anti caffeine kick not because of any other reason than this.    That I drop down I get grounded into the dirt like coffee grounds that I am finally truly there for people even more there for myself    I'm just more there.  My mind isn't off in lala land and even if it goes to lala land then I can come back to myself in the flash of an instant and I am there for whoever or whatever needs me. Even if its just me that needs me. I drop down.  Drop down into the ground into a very grounded place and nothing nothing nothing can rattle me unless I want it to.

sometimes it's good...

to take stock, to stop, to wait, to look, to wonder, to ponder, to just sit, to just not do anything, to just stop using commas to just keep going to just just just just just just stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop it's very freeing to stop it's very freeing to stop taking it in to stop taking in anymore from any direction at all like as if you are going on a fast no more from anybody not one more word not one more request not one more anything just be not one more book or news story or video or song or conversation just nothing more just to realize that you don't need anything else that you are okay as you are that there is nothing not a cup of coffee nothing that is going to make anything better besides just being where you are right now no  clean clothes no laundry being done no toilet being cleaned no counter being dusted or rearranged no clothes being picked up nothing is going to make you feel any better than just being where you are right now no song being sung no walk outside (well ok maybe a walk outside) but really there is nothing else that you need to do or be or say or eat or drink or touch (ok maybe touch) or lay down on or lay up on nothing nothing else needs to be said or done besides just being here right now and listening listening listening listening listening because it's all in the listening it's in noticing it's in paying attention like a hunter it's in stopping long enough and patiently enough to notice what is really going on to really see smell taste touch feel without really seeing smelling tasting or touching or feeling just using your senses without trying to use your sense just being in the 'beatles' sense of the word 'being' in the Buddhist sense too but not really because that often entails a lot of head battles just being just be here right now and don't think so hard about it just be and let it be and let it flow and let it go and pretty soon you will slow down enough to sit in your saddle of your beautiful horse and the horse will move and you will move too and you won't have to try so hard and it will just happen and you'll know what you need to do when the time and the day and the moment and the words tell you so.

writing

I write when I least expect it, suspect it, inspect it
I write because i'm going to pop if I don't
I write as a way to get closer to something
to understand, to dissect, to peer into my soul as I teeter into the skatepark bowl of a place I don't know
a new page
a new chapter
a new highway, vista
it's weird, entering into uncharted waters
carving your way through the ice as you go
chopping the leaves with your machete
scorching your path
i'm a little scared
i'm a little unclear
but one thing I know
is
that if I am ok with now
if I don't think too hard about later
if I squeeze the life outta life that exists
then that's all I need, all i'll ever need
and you never really need to look much farther than that
because if you can answer your own questions now
when the time comes for other questions you'll be ready
but stay where you are right now
and be here right now
and stop comparing where you could be
just be
and live a little, love a lot
right now
and you'll be fine.

a meditation

walking down the hallway
suddenly         fire electric        alarm      sway
zipping beeline         zipline                 beehive
nesting     in     the     corner       of      my      mind............... touché!

find ten things that you like about yourself
can you list them? can you? can you?
without shame             or                  vanity
humility                    or                  arrogance

automatic writing

i'm going to pretend that the keyboard is a ouija board and i will let my fingers go where they will since they say that ouija boards are really just a conduit of the non-conscious mind, the part of your mind that makes your eyes blink and so i am goign to do just that just like the neo-surrealists poet like the dadaists did way back when in ancient no not-ancient prehistoric no not prehistoric early 20th century france which is a time and place that i'd have rather lived except for all the disease and pestilence and rats and things and dying too young and dirty sewery places but yeah the art and good cooking would have been nice and surrealistic entrails of the mind is where my mind is going now down some tunnel down some dark dark dark dark dark dark forbidden zone some strange way of rastafarian ratatouille placement of the mat of the kitchen sink of the fingers going going going what does this mean doesn't mean anything does it have to mean something no it doesn't it's just being awake and dreaming at the same time it's just letting your fingers do the talking and the walking and the plummeting and the shenaniganing and it's the zone it's the place it's the place place place leave no trace and i am sinking sinking sinking into oblivion like the hypnotists always invite you threaten you cajole you to do and i've never quite trusted hypnotists at least the hypnotists i've mentioned i've seen i've met they alwasy seem to have some hidden agenda not just turning you into a chicken but other things strange things weird old white dude in a van traipsing around pt townsend and boys & girls clubs sorts of things i don't know but that's often the vibe i get from hypnotists and i believe there are some good uns out there but i think hypnotism is like masseuses you need to have one that you know already and trust i'd rather be hypnotized by a best friend than a complete stranger so there you have it like with anything it's good to know who you're talking to or dreaming to or whatever whatever england folsom tottenham court road that tall guy who used to be in those movies i liked to watch rupert guy weird birdlike man if ever there was a man who looked like a falcon or penguin or rat or what's the word i want? or tiger or raven yes raven if ever there was a man who looked like a raven it should be him yes rupert everett is a strange looking man who belongs wearing a black trench coat always and i could never imagine him with a suntan and that's just fine for him but it was slightly disappointing after having had the hugest teenage crush on him as a teenager when i found out that in person in interviews he wasn't nearly as dashing as he seemed in his movies not that men always have to dash about to be cool but you know there was this haughtiness this coldness this disdain that i just didn't like and so there you go it was kind of like my rude awakening of steve martin who was equally as cold a fish in interviews so there you have it. that's why movie stars are so short and the movies make them look so tall and warm and inviting but they're not always they're really not so i guess that's life and that's ok and i'm probably not that warm most of the time either especially living in a cold climate but i try try try i try to drink a lot of hot drinks so that the warmth of my fingertips touches my soul and i stay open to the crowds and the throngs and the good and the not so good and just stay open as long i can before my soul gets tired and withdraws and retreats to the entrails of my mind and and a

sometimes it's so hard to go to sleep
not because I don't enjoy sleeping
but because I don't want another day to end
one more day
when you are only allotted so many days on this fine earth

when I was a kid
(it always goes back to when I was a kid)
when I was a kid
one day felt like 100 years... I did so much
you lived 1000 lives in one day
now? not so much
but I try

I have lived in many places
I have many lovely memories
but I want more, more, more memories
that involve travel and distance and new glimpses of new landscapes
new experiences, new faces, new roads, new smells

I can't drive on the same road every day
without going a little more bonkers
something's gotta change
something's gotta give
something's gotta evolve
something
and it is
but it's sllllllooooooooowwwwwwwwwwww

I know you can travel deep inside
your inner world's child
can be the harbinger of unimaginable truths
and that's fine
but sometimes
you also need
the actual physical touch
of a rock you've never seen
moss that you've never felt
sand in your eyes and grit in your teeth
scents that make you close your eyes and remember the sea
sometimes you need to be
bombarded by too much stimulation

so that your mind
has to find a new way to make it all make sense
and when it does
you become
a better person

oh man

exhausted
but not from doing anything
looking for inspiration
in the little things
and finding it
in the in-between things
a book, a thank you, a smile

it's amazing how
if you just follow your nose
it takes you
slowly
where you need to go
if you close your eyes
and just trust
in the slow slow slow slow process
of unfolding
and enjoying
if you can just get used to
hurrying up and waiting
if you can just sit still long enough
to enjoy
an unplanned, unforeseen conversation
with another mother you never thought you'd come to know
the warmth will take you where you need to go
and back again
and you'll forget your 'to do' list
long enough
to slightly piss off
somebody else and their 'to do' list
but that's ok
because
in the end
the good karma will come back to them
and we'll all be happier for it.

more blitherings and blatherings

it's time to move
it's time
time time time
time to sit where you are right now and accept it
time to get off your hiney and do something with yoself
time to create sthg new
time to bite off more than you can chew
time to try sthg you never knew
time to try
time to be open to whatever is
time to be surprised
time to just go go go with the flow
time to stop the dam dam and make your life happen the way you will it to
time to stick your neck out
time to sit back and be a voyeur
time to just let the world let you in
time to let the world in
time to find a way in
time to curtsey your way out
time to let it out in a shout
time to get mad, time to get pissed
time to just stay up all night and work through your mind to pass the time
time to not let the ghouls undermine
time to be stronger than thine
time to be quicker on the draw
time to step back from y'all and just be in awe

there's nothing like
taking a shower
to clear the palate of the mind
everything becomes cleansed
you know what you need to do
worries are, of course, washed away
and you are left with the bare necessities
what you must do to move forward
what needs to be addressed
not in the 'to do' list sense
but in the sense of... 'this will be exhilarating if I can get this done'
I MUST write a poem as soon as I get out of here
I MUST pay my mortgage so I stop worrying about that
I MUST find that song that emboldens my heart
I MUST get my bike and run and listen to my songs at the same time
I MUST stay as long as I like in this house and go absolutely nowhere in order to feel and remember what it feels like to be a kid again and have absolutely zero obligations to anyone at any time
I MUST remember that it's ok just to be here right now with no plans and no worries and nothing to do just daydream and remember and plan and just enjoy and be still and be loud and notice the little things and the big things like sunsets that you only get to see once because they'll never be the same again and little moments like kids building forts in the living room and going to bed and waking up in good moods and how many cups of coffee can I drink before I start to feel icky and meth-like and the most hilarious moments on TV shows that I hardly ever watch but I really need to watch more often and just relax and be chill with the kids in the living room with no tasks hanging over me and remembering how I used to change my clothes so many times during the day as a kid that my mom would have a stack of washed clothes for me to sort through each week of clothes that really weren't that dirty but I had put them in the laundry bin just because I had worn them for 5 minutes and then went on to my next outfit for the next part of the day.
I like showers because they show you what's what and sometimes I forget what's what in the 'to do' list of my mind. i'm sick of 'to do' lists. I want a 'to want' list instead. a 'must have or else' list. a 'it's now or never' list. a 'just improv it' list. a 'so be it' list. a 'whatever is whatever' list. a 'the spirit moves me and so that's where i'm going' list. a 'this was interesting and now i'm on to that' list. a 'stay up until 3am just because the inspirazione won't quit' list and an 'on and on and on until the break of dawn' list.

bedtime

god it's the cutest thing
bedtime
a teepee of blankets and gymnast landing pads
and word games of bouncing words off like 'mozzarella' and 'squares' leading to 'fire' and....too tired to make sense, the grumpies come and it's really time for sleep

I try to think of what I've read or heard today that inspired me
and it's a sunset and mark twain and the thought that the only thing holding you back is your own inner obstacles and focus on what you want to focus on and you will get there and sometimes all you have to focus on is the simplest of things like 'how to enjoy today, this hour, this moment' and sometimes it's bigger stuff like 'what the hell am I going to do with my life?' but either way it doesn't matter because what does matter is just right now and whether you are able to make yourself and those around you happy right now and in making other people happy, you make yourself happy so that's what i'm focusing on right now.

there are limits to how much one can do in a day or in a life but there aren't really either. it's never too late to start doing whatever it is you want to start doing. the only limits there are are sleep and food and eating so get those taken care of and you are on your way. if there are any other limits, they are in your mind. what other people say or think just doesn't matter. it's up to you. how should I spend my day? what should my family look like? what should I be reading? how should I teach? how many or few friends should I have? how much exercise should I get? it's up to you. of course, listen to some good sense now and then but ultimately it's also just up to you. be the writer of your own life. hold the pen and see where it goes.

there are so many 'shoulds' in my brain, I just can't believe I can even function sometimes. I SHOULD go outside more often. I SHOULD drink more water. I SHOULD get more sleep. I SHOULD sit still more and stop running around so much on my feet. I SHOULD not spend too much time on my own or else i'll end up hallucinating and seeing visions like my grandmother. I SHOULD not be out socializing so much because I need to buckle down and get my 'to do' list done more often. I SHOULD make my kids sleep in their own beds more often. I SHOULD not worry so much about petty little stuff like that if we are just happy the way we are. I SHOULD SHOULD SHOULD SHOULD SHOULD SHOULD SHOULD SHOULD SHOULD. god that word looks weird now. as it SHOULD!

oh my god, should i really do this?

yes I should
every single goddam day
write something
so I will
and a lot of it will be crap
and I can promise you that much
but some of it won't
and I can promise you that... too...yeah

let's see
profound momento of the day
when I realized that I wasn't the only person who analyzes to death things like
how long should one look at another person before turning one's gaze away
or
how long can I look away while forming my thoughts before the other person loses any interest in what i'm saying?
and sometimes people are thinking about what you're saying
even if they're not looking at you
and sometimes, they're just bored and zoning out
you never really know
so that's why you should just plunge ahead anyway
unless they tell you to stop droning on

and the funniest thing anybody has said to me in the last couple of days was this...
as I recounted for the umpteenth time
the circumstances of my speeding ticket
how I had been so focused on my 'to do' list and anxious about trying to get everything ready
for a party that was starting in a few hours that I just didn't have any brain power left to notice my speed but that I grew from this experience
and at least I learned to start using my cruise control
so that if I ever get too stressed out and forget to pay attention
at least the car will monitor my speed for me
and somebody said,
'oh great! even more reason to COMPLETELY disengage from the driving experience'
and I had to
laugh
laugh
laugh

i made a vow

to myself and to whoever and whatever life forms read this thing
that I will write down whatever thought flits through my brain on this page
for the next year or so
or maybe eternity
because... why the hell not?
it's not hurting anybody
and it might even help somebody
realize
that
it matters
what goes on in your brain... matters
and if everyone paid more attention to what was going on inside their brain
we all might be living in a happier, saner world

so here it is, in all of its truly undadulterated unobliterated uncensored glory
I laughed today
yes I laughed
and I was laughing after having been serious for far too long
and what made me laugh
was something my dad said
I don't even know what he said really
it was just the way that he said it
that offhand, nothing really matters kind of tone of voice? you know?
the voice that says, 'just relax... what FUN did you have today?' no pressure
because our life is really rather short
and we can spend it deliberating and doubting
or we can spend it enjoying and learning and being curious
and then later today
suddenly it hit me
something my kids said about liking something a lot
and then I thought of chris Farley saying, 'if you LIKE it so much, why don't you MARRY it!'
and it made me laugh
not because it's nice to make fun of huskier people
not because overeating is funny
but just because of him
just because he is a little kid in a big kid's body
and THAT's exactly what we need to all remember how to be
little kids.... inside... who feel things... who know things... who live things 'for reals'
who are honest with how they feel
who want things and are not ashamed to want things
who feel strong feelings and are not afraid to show them
who remember things, every little detail, every day
who take what you say and learn from it, syllable by syllable
boy that word looks weird right now... 'syllable'
who notice every little thing as they pass it by
and, if they can't, if it's not on their radar, it's because they are so absorbed by something else that they are completely and utterly committed to
that is the essence of kid-dom
and I don't care how old I get
I will try my damndest
never to forget how to do that
I don't know how
maybe the only way is to be around a lot of kids
but i'm gonna try
and I know for sure it starts with one thing...
remembering how to have fun and NOT be so serious all the time. stop....a lot... to have fun

the cats are mad at me

and the fence is broken (one slat, it's no big whoop)
and the house is still a mess (ok, i'm being a bit melodramatic)
and i'm just done (well, for the time being)
and i'm reading about dreamers and john lennon and that artists=dreamers
and I just don't care
I don't care care care today, just today,
about anything except
making myself a cup of coffee
and laying around the house
and writing
and maybe jogging
and getting caught up
and just being in my own space
with no one
to remind me
of the 10001 things I am supposed to be doing
shut it all off
turn off all the gadgets and gizmos
and just exist
just remember what it was like
when I was 7 or 12
and one whole day lasted a week
and I ended each day with a laundry list of all the fun things that i'd done
and I lay there in bed thinking of all the fun things that would come
the next day
and this morning
I had a dream that woke me up
I love those kinds of dreams
dreams that shake you awake
that force you to pay attention, remember me! i'm here! don't forget!
and I still remember the feeling of that dream
the presence, the urgency
the knowingness
the feeling that if I want to get caught up, I can
if I want to just lay around and be an artist, I can
if I want to sit and daydream, I can
in my dream, a smile told me it would all be okay
and strong feelings are okay
and mild ones are okay, too
and having rip roaring days are great
but having still ones can be just as pleasurable too
and all my life
I have resisted but been conditioned by the premise
that there is one way to live
one way to raise your kids
one kind of family to have
one kind of food to eat
one kind of politics to follow
one kind of art to make
one kind of party to have
one kind of friend to make
one way to teach
one way speak or laugh or think or listen or sit or stand or what kinds of jokes are acceptable or not
and all my life I have fought it and fought it and fought it
to forge my own path and cheesily make my own way
a la frank Sinatra
but i'm doing it
I've done it
and i'll keep on doing it
even if I end up sitting in a rocking chair with a 1000 cats
i'll do it
even if I end up adopting 15 kids just for the hell of it, i'll do it
even if I end up selling it all and living in an RV as I traipse around the  country just interviewing the world, i'll do it
but the one thing i'll never do.... is
not be me.

nighttime

sometimes I sit there and wonder
is it better to go to bed early and get some sleep?
or stay up late and do everything that I want?
what will I regret more later?
what will I be inspired by more later?
what will carry me through the next day?
what will send me crashing into the sea?
I am convinced, no matter what the latest scientific study says,
that if you stay up at night, if you stay up in life
and do what you want to do when you want to do it
even if it carries you into the wee hours of the morning
even if it means you drink a cuppa joe at midnight
even if it means that you go to sleep at 9am and wake before dawn
even if it means that you stay up and answer all the petty emails you're supposed to answer and then when you finally have time for yourself then you realize it's too late and it's time for bed but instead you stay up and read that high school English class novel that you've been trying to read for the past three weeks and have gotten nowhere fast with but which has stayed with you hauntingly for the past 3 weeks.
and the cat lays there like a black puffy marshmellow inviting you to sink your teeth in
and the house is a happy mess after a happy hallowe'en party full of happy memories that they'll savor when they're older and older
and I am tired but not as tired as I would be if I hadn't had pushed myself so much that I ended up having my todo list in my head ransack my brain and prevent me from noticing the cop tracking my speed and then issuing me a ticket for $113 when, he happily pointed out to me, could have been as high as $800 given all of the outdated paperwork I had in the car so I bit my tongue and accepted the ticket but also realized that it was a good thing because it made me realize that unless I say 'no' sometimes to the endless demands on my time and my mental space then I am simply inviting the cops in my brain to put the brakes on my life FOR me so I might as well find a way to say 'no' on my own to some of all the happy mayhem that keeps coming my way. asta

meant to do

i think this is what I was meant to do. really I do. I read jack Kerouac's 'on the road' once and I think ever since then I have idolized the art of stream of consciousness writing/being. and so I write this way. and maybe it's annoying and maybe it's self-indulgent but the truth of the matter, who cares. nobody has to read this and if this helps anybody by reading it then so be it. it helped me once. maybe it will help somebody else.

I think we are all too cooped up in our own lives. I think we all bundle our lives under protective coatings of 'I've got my shit together' and 'I don't want to impose any of my burdens on yours' that we all live these very small lives not sharing, not caring, and not learning from each other's ups and downs. it's not that you have to vent and spew and exhaust everyone but there is a fine line between spewing and reaching a deeper truth that grabs us all on some gut level and makes us shake and that is what I am shooting for.

often when I share the dirty laundry of my life, ok maybe not ALL the dirty laundry, but enough of it, enough of it to be daring, enough of it to say 'look, i'm not perfect and maybe you don't feel like you have to be too,' then I see people change and grow. I see people open up, ever so slightly (in a slight british accent) and become a little more relaxed a little more at ease a little more accepting of wherever they are right now.

right now I have a ginormous todo list, right now I should be grading, right now I should be cleaning the house, doing the dishes, making breakfast or getting the kids to make their own, right now I should be getting more exercise, right now I should be doing a 10001 things besides sitting here writing, but I have found that this gives me more pleasure and more energy for the day than just about anything else. this spewing of the little insights here and there I gleam. because what is the point of each day other than this. I mean really. getting a paycheck? doing the laundry? the point is, hopefully, we are learning a little bit more each day so that each day can be a little or a lot more pleasurable. we can find our way a little or a lot easier and we can get better at helping each other have a lot more pleasure and joy and fun and goofiness and silliness and stupidness and profundity and meaning and memories in theirs.

so find whatever is your G-spot and do it, use it, or lose it. and then help everyone else find their G-spot, too, and the world will be a better place for it.

so here's what i think

not that what I think matters or that what anybody thinks matters, really, in the scheme of things because life changes day to day and reality changes and we are all just doing the best with what we have at our disposal and all you can do is look forward and look back and try to take the best from both then and now and later. all I know is that it's not worth it. none of it is worth it. not in the nihilistic sense, just in the sense that you've got today you've got now this is what you've got and you can either enjoy what you've got staring right at you or not. I've learned this time and time again and I know it's no big whoop and I know it's not mind boggling new or different but I think it's important to remember as we slog our way through life as we think we've all got it figured out this minute or the next and that it just doesn't matter. what matters is to laugh. what matters is that you see someone in the hallway and they stop to talk to you not because they need something from you not because you need something from them, just because and those are the best kinds of stops in the hallways. someone just lightens your load just because they are there and they're interested and they're curious and that's it. it boggles my mind really. when my life has a todo list the size of Alaska, and I know everyone else does too, it boggles my mind that somebody just wants to stop me on the stairwell or stop me in the hallway or stop me on the front steps of the theatre and just chat, chat about nothing, chat about dresses and smiles and evacuation drills and winter quarters and nothing really just nothing but the presence of the mind, the presence of this other soul that you knew at another point in your life, a show you worked on together, a play you both poured your heart into and you just were there once in time together laughing and joking and simply their presence is all that you need to remember who you were and who they were and suddenly your string of events of your life is connected again and you are traveling along with a full load but a full load with a series of train box cars that are connected instead of disjointed and your life is full again and complete and you're not stepping in potholes anymore you're just stepping and floating above the breeze because someone's presence lifted your presence so much that you are literally floating one foot above the ground by the sheer force of their indomitable will and presence.

non-caffeinated sojourn

sometimes
when i'm patient with myself
when I just decide - that's it! i'm going with the flow, not in front of it, not against it, not behind it
when i'm willing to just be with whatever plops in my lap
when i'm willing to let go of my agenda
when i'm willing to let life surprise me
that's when I say 'no' to coffee
not a mean 'no'
not a resentful 'no'
just... nope
you can't tempt me now
you can't get inside my brain and tell me that my life will be oh so much more exciting
if I am feeling that zing in my lips
that whirr in my brain
that wind that picks me up and takes me wherever it wants to go
nope
I just say nope
and I slow down enough
to finally notice things
when i'm not speeding by at 150 mph
I finally see that horse over there, 300 yards away, peeing in the field with its hind legs outstretched
I finally notice that my kids are happily reminiscing about their drawing contests last summer
I finally notice that i'm a little bit gentler, a little bit softer, a little bit nicer when i'm not on it
and, consequently, everyone is a little bit nicer around me too
it doesn't take big changes to make your life a whole lot better
just little changes that add up slowly over time
so that nothing feels too pressing or urgent or absolute
just little suggestions to help you find your way here or there with a little less stress or trepidation
i'm not giving up on coffee, never will
i'm just picking and choosing with whom and where and how long we rendez-vous
zippedy doo woo

note to self

I need to write some story
about a person who can't end a conversation
whether it's email or text or whatever

person A: well thank you it's been really nice talking with you
person B: yes, nice talking with you too
person A: thank you, I really appreciate you taking the time to explain this to me
person B: it's no problem. I wish you the best of luck.
person A: thank you. that's really nice. see you again sometime
B: sure thing.
A: ok, well you take care now.
B: I will, you too.
A: and don't forget to stay in touch.
B: I won't. you too. it's been too long. we really need to - life is too short.
A: it is, isn't it. let's make a point to really stay in touch.
B: you're right. let's not just say it, let's do it.
A: ok, then, well you take care. i'll talk to you later.
B: ok, me too you too.
A: alright, god it's hard to say goodbye sometimes. ok, you first.
B: no no. you need to end this conversation first. i'll wait until you end it, and then I will end it too.
A: no, I like to be the last one who talks so let me have the last word.
B: hey, let's end this at the same time.
A: ok.
B: ok then. 1 - 2 - 3
A: go!
B: go!
A: ok goodbye!
B: bye!
A: it's been real.
B: a real long time!
A: go now!
B: I will! you go too!
A: ok, i'm gone.
B: no, you're not.
A: yes, I am. stop reading this. just pretend i'm gone and then i'll go.
B: ok.
A: alright then, go.
B: ok. bye!
A: are you still there?
B:
A: hello?
B:
A: ok good then. finally
B:
A:
B:
A:
B: bye
A: I KNEW you were still there!
B: GOOOOOO AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A: ok, asta muchacha
B: ciao bella

sunny farms

Sunny farms
I sit here
In the parking lot
Eating my spoils
Caramel.    Salty chips.  Salmon spread.
This place is weird
It's like home but not
It's like family but not
It's like 'the real world' but not
And I'm glad
That when I walk in I have to yield
To a different rhythm other than my own
But eventually
It becomes mine too
Sunny farms
The place where all my worlds collide
Sunny farms
You're just a store
And I won't say 'but oh so much more'
Sunny farms
A place
Where stray souls meet kindred folk
And for a moment
You are lost in time
And can forget why you even came in
Other than to find yourself on a shelf
In your prime
Patient.   Bare.   Open.    Aware. 

do cows smile?

yay? or nay? or moo?

funny how

funny how I wrote and wrote and wrote this summer
but it has all but dwindled now
funny how we have all the comforts of home
but where is the excitement? the draw?
it's ok. one doesn't always have to live with constant drama, it's true
but just a little excitement now and then is good, too

drama now comes from within
but it's still being pretty quiet
and not that drama is a bad thing or a good thing
drama, in itself, is just... life, really, on steroids

I've learned a lot these past few weeks
but not as much as I learned in just one month this summer
is that a good thing or a bad thing?
sometimes it's very good to just sit still and recoup, regroup
as long as you do wake up now and then
and realize
that it could all get tossed with the fries
and nothing is always going to be perfect
and the toothpaste cap is going to get lost at some point
and you are going to get another dent in your car
and your kids are going to get a cough that lasts too long
and cavities because they really need to learn how to floss better
and you can take it all in stride
or you can condemn yourself
it's up to you
but i'm telling you, telling me, telling you
that it's not worth it
life isn't perfect
and the sooner you get used to it, the better
that your house the way it looks right now
is exactly how it is meant to look
and the clothes you are wearing now should be the clothes you wear to work
because this is who you are
and sure we all need to put on a show
but don't forget who you are underneath the show
and that's why it's always good to have some downtime
it may feel pointless and blah and bland
but it's letting you see and remember who you really are
so that you can bring that to the table
the next time you have to
put on a show.

writer's workshop freewrite topic: Use "didgeridoo", "messy" and "loud man on cell phone" in a short piece.

 

well, since you asked... don't mind if I do...

 

I was sitting in the middle of the café, really wished the hostess had found me a table more along the edge but oh well, when I noticed that the loud man on the cell phone next to me was my uncle juan. I hadn't seen him in at least 20 years but it was him alright. he liked to multi-task, being a lawyer and all, and so he had his laptop balanced on his knees, a cell phone glued to his shoulder, and in between blowing on his didgeridoo, he was barking out commands for his assistant back at the office. 'I don't care how long it takes him to line me up some cattle, I want those cattle checked for meningitis by the time I get back to Wyoming! and if they're not, then there's going to be hell to pay for those ranchers who think they can squat on my property and let their damn beasts have the run of my land, spreading vermin and all kinds of messy other diseases my way. dammit! has anyone heard of a refill around here?"

 

my uncle juan hadn't been the same since he lost his daughter to the polygamous family who had the neighboring ranch. it was to be expected, of course. he had sent Juanita out for her daily chore, checking for vermin and mosquito larvae along the fenceline at dawn ("you can never check too often for lice, mouse droppings laced with hantivirus, or rabid dogs when running a ranch full-time" he always used to bark out), when she had bumped into one of the sons of one of the wives who was married to papa savior. the boy had twisted his ankle and needed to be carried back to their home before the cowbell rang for breakfast. so Juanita decided to do her part. she didn't know what polygamous meant, but if it was another one of them diseases that her dad was always yelling about, then she knew to stay far far away.

 

when they got to the cabin, she could smell the delicious aroma of biscuits and gravy and her heart sank. she knew if she stepped foot in their home that she would be tainted with head lice or staph infection for months, possibly years. but her hunger was too great and so she accepted their humble offer to join them at the table.... (to be continued ~)

54 hits on my blog? wow. who in god's name is reading this thing?

the northwest

there is something different about the northwest
not necessarily better or worse
not much point to those designators, but different
there is a feeling here unlike anywhere else
it could just be me
but I don't think so
it's the feeling that
if you let it
the moss will overtake you and you'd eventually be submerged in your own little hovel
not a bad feeling necessarily
but also not necessarily one that I am ready for just yet in my life
it's the feeling that
if you don't stretch yourself and get out and try to touch someone
that eventually your circle will get smaller and smaller and smaller
once in a while
people surprise me
and a random man
standing in line in front of me at the grocery store
randomly turns around to me, literally tonight, and says...
'so how was your day?'
and he wasn't loony tunes, and he wasn't coming on to me, he just wanted to know
and I couldn't believe it
a person crosses the threshold of 'normalcy' and actually wants nothing more than to get to know me for a small moment in time, nothing else gained, just an interesting moment shared
and I couldn't believe it
not because I dislike this place
because I don't
i'm just trying to understand it
I don't get it

I'm as guilty as anybody else
oftentimes i'd rather take the circuitous route to avoid a conversation i'm just not in the mood to have with a perfectly harmless person
but I just don't have the energy
so I get it
but I think it's more than that
there is something about this place... maybe it's the clouds, maybe it's the fact that we're on a peninsula, maybe it's the trees, maybe it's the fact that it is so small that you have to declare your borders, but I don't know
I think it's strange
that this person I know in one part of my life
will probably never intersect with this person I know in another part of my life
that the students I teach
have nothing to do with the people at the soccer games my kids go to
maybe it's the lack of sun
but something keeps us inside our minds
I was an introvert as a child, somewhere or another I leapt out
and now, living here, I am going back to that place
not sure if I want to, but i'm trying to understand it, make sense of it, negotiate a truce with it and the other parts of me that have grown since those early years
and it's not a bad place to be
in fact, it's a very quiet, peaceful, meaningful place to be
it's a place that lets you absorb beauty in the seemingly redundant things you see
you think you've seen this landscape before
but you haven't really
but you wouldn't know it
if you hadn't arrived at this quiet place
but still... I just wonder... were we, as human beings, meant to be so quiet?
****************************************************************
and I think the northwest thinks I'm loony tunes! and it may be right.
I think it thinks i'm a nutjob, a basketcase, an overthetop, out there circus show freak
but i'd rather be that
again, not in a combative, betterthanthou sense
but in the sense that I, personally, would rather be out there reaching into people's heartsandminds
than circling around in my head for too long
wondering when I will come up for air
because there is beauty out there
so much beauty in there, too
but there is surprising beauty out there
conversations you would never expect to have
stories you will never ever hear in your head
ok, maybe in a book, yes
but
I, a human being, still crave the oneonone primal contact of facetoface, smelltosmell, skintoskin, handshake to handshake that tells you so much more than a 'regards' or 'yours truly'
a limp noodle handshake tells you more than 'LOL' or 'wassup?'
because suddenly you are confronted with the primeval person who is either your prey or your predator
and you have only moments, milliseconds really, to figure out which
and i'd rather live in that iridescent luminescent undecided unresolved place
that prompts me to spill apples and plums all over a safeway parking lot
because a real live human encounter left me so spellbound that I can't think or walk straight
than live in my head
and never be bamboozled
by the smiles and frowns, reprimands and accolades, blank stares and shy but jubilant grins
that you only get in the 3D, my friend, you only get in the 3D

right now

there is a feeling
a feeling that is hard to describe but describe it I will try
because what else is life besides a feeling
a knowing
a direction that your body takes you
I am sitting here
not trying to be somewhere else
just sitting here
just content
not to go here or there or everywhere
not to try to please or entertain the kids
just to be here
like I was when I was a child
and I could just rest and daydream and rest and play and let my mind wander where it would
it's hard to find that place sometimes
it's so easy to keep thinking that there is something more important that I should be doing
right now
right now I should be somewhere else, catching up, doing what i'm supposed to, getting ahead
ahead of what?
ahead of myself
ahead of that knowing feeling that you are where you need to be right now
maybe tomorrow you need to be somewhere else
but right now you are where you need to be
and that is a good feeling.

relentless positivism

is ridiculous, I know, but I believe in it not because there isn't sadness and pointlessness and struggle in this world but because there IS all of that, and you need something to combat the negativity that comes at you when you least expect it, when you are tired, or low on gusto or inspirazione. you have to you have to you have to have a wellspring of positivism in order to combat it all, in order to outsource the negative thoughts, the negative words, the naysaying, the little voices here and there that focus on the 'no,' the limit, the what's wrong with our world, the shortcomings, the doom and the gloom, thinking inside the box, the little voices here and there that try try try to convince you that 'punishment' is the answer and a world devoid of mystery and generosity is somehow better for you because it 'works' and it's reliable but is it fun? no. is it warm to the touch and to the heart? no. I rely on relentless positivism because negativity is just too easy. because it is too easy, it's a "slide into the couch and can never get up" kind of  easy. I choose positivism because even though it may ask you to get up earlier than you want, or shut your mouth before you say something you regret, even though it may not always be your first choice or your easiest choice... in the end, it'll save you. and save all of the people around you whose energy will eventually buoy you up when you don't always have it in you. your mind will always float, if you let it, to the bottom of the barrel, it takes just a little, so little to lift it back up again. sometimes a pause. sometimes walking away. sometimes a deep breath. sometimes a good staring into space. but it will rise if you want it to. if you choose to. if you make it a priority. it will. but you have to will it so.

what i learned this summer (can't help it - i'm a teacher)

I learned that campgrounds that are wide open and free with lots of room for your eyes and legs to roam are far better than ones stuck next to a 2-lane highway that make you think a car is going to fly off and land on your tent any second.

I learned that it doesn't matter how much coffee you have during the day, or tequila the night before, or sleep that you had/didn't have... what matters is how much space you have when you need it.

I learned that you don't stick your hand into a snakepit unless you want to get bit. (and this saying works really well with kids who, too like adults, can get their nose in other people's business)

i learned that libraries and coffeeshops are the best places to lounge around in when you're feeling homeless. and that feeling homeless is only a bad thing insofar as people assume that you smell, sometimes you probably do, and you tend to interpret any look on a librarian's face as 'are you ever going to get off that computer and let someone who pays their taxes and votes and who really needs it get on?'

i learned that it doesn't matter how long you have lived/not lived somewhere. it's about the point at which you relax and just accept that you are part of this town you find yourself in. every summer i walk into this sleepy little wide awake town in Colorado and i always think it will take everybody ELSE a long time to accept me back having not seen me for awhile, but it's really about me letting go of my self consciousness and just accepting that i AM back.

i learned that the way you know someone loves you is the way they hug you. when a person hugs you and they can't speak? you know they love you.

i learned that i love people and i will always love people. it's the reason why i travel so much. i love meeting new people, hearing new stories of other peoples' lives. retelling their stories to other people. stealing their stories, being inspired by their stories, living out their stories vicariously (and literally sometimes, too). not everyone loves people as much as i do. some people prefer landscapes. some people actively retreat from people. there are times when i need to get away from people, too. but usually, i'd rather pay my bills late, have a messier house, sleep in dirty clothes because i haven't had time to get to the laundry, not water the lawn as often as i should, not get enough exercise, not grade when i should, not get enough groceries to plan out a decent meal and order takeout instead, just because i love to be around people. and there's nothing wrong with either being a people-person or a landscape-person. you need both in this world. i wouldn't have it any other way. but i am definitely a people person, but i need to live the life of a landscape person, too, in order to get perspective on my people-person life. it's good to remove yourself from the hubbub. it's good to be alone. it's good to face your own demons. it's good to get bored and get stuck and feel boring and empty, you find yourself. you realize that you always have you and that if you don't want to be bored it's up to you and ain't nothing going to make you happy unless you make yourself happy and find a way to like what is right in front of you and it's still important to dream and you should dream but you should also enjoy the ride because you may or may not ever get to that dream and an even better dream might come along to surprise you but if all you see is the dream then you'll probably miss the $5 million dollar lottery ticket staring at you on the ground at your feet.

driving with kids

driving with kids can be like... holding your breath for far too long, or eating too much dessert and not being able to move, or having a slice cut through the middle of your forehead and no matter how much you try to massage it out, it won't budge

but it can also be like... a very zenlike experience, a very in-the-now experience as you stop, you can't do anything, you are stuck behind a wheel and all you can see is the world and all you can do is notice things, see things, you can't buy anything, you can't eat anything (really, for very long you'll run out), you can't even talk on the phone much (because generally it's not very legal and most of the time you can't drive too well while doing it),

it's like being a kid. driving is like being a kid. you're stuck, you only have so much at your disposal but you learn to make do with what you have and you learn to love the world as it is. there are not many distractions, really, that you have access to and so you just make you do and you learn to love and you learn to love the art of patience. you have to wait a lot. kids do. waiting. a lot of waiting. a whole lot of 'when are we going to get there?' because you never get to really be where you want to be because as soon as you get there, you've got to keep finding the next exciting place to be. you can't sit still. there is very barely any idling as a kid. you have to move move move move move.

and driving with kids? you learn how to harness your mind. you learn how to make peace with the nonsense. you learn how to negotiate, barter, cajole, flatter, lower your pride, admit defeat, be nice be nice be nice and if all else fails.... step out of the car. remove yourself. take a break. there is no solution to this other than standing on the side of the road of life and taking a break. you have to just stop the rolling momentum and figure out what's what.

but it can also be... beauty, transformation, surprises, huge massive riduclously big chairs built out of lord-knows-what on the side of the road, inventing car games that have never been invented before like 'let's pretend we are characters on a tv show who are riding in a car! game. and listening to music that carries you as you float down the road to the beat and driving becomes effortless as you and the car and the road and the trees and the mountains and the wind are one.

realizing

realizing that I use the word 'realizing' too much but I realize that it's like the word 'remember' to me and remembering is just remembering who you are and what makes you tick and what moves you and what you need to breathe and and and and and I realize/remember that what I need is this... this very hard to pin down feeling but it is possible to remember and realize.

the capacity to feel
sure
that what you are doing
and when you are doing it
is just what you need to be doing
and to radiate that
feeling
of
surety
so that everyone around you
also feels that
assurety
that who they are
and what they are
and what they are doing
and where they are going
is precisely where they need to be
and then
life falls into place
and stops being such an upward big boulder rolling backasswards backwards hill
just
know
that
you
are
fine
right
where
you
are
right
now.
and you'll be where you need to be when it's time to be there but for right now you are right where you need to be. and nobody knows better than you where you need to be.

irinani and pascuali-isms

yesterday, walking by a lazy river, pascual noted the strands and leaves and things floating along...

'those leaves and twigs could be memories made by a kid who was playing upriver from here and they floated down to us'

and Irina...

when I compared her to (couldn't help it, too much catholic school), st. francis of assisi because she can make any animal slow down enough for her to approach it, she said...

'well, I don't believe it. I bet st. francis just had a lot of treats in his pockets.'

blueeeeeee mesaaaaaaa

it's sunny and clear and open and free. the sun glistens on the water and my mind dances with the waves. it's enough that all I have is this view and the kids playing on their own with a friend. just the sounds of happy and curious voices and lapping waves. the sky is big big big and this is all I want. a cool, almost fall-ish breeze and a few clouds just to tease me into thinking it might rain. and it might but it probably won't. and the wind is picking up and I could sit here for hours just counting the waves rolling in like sheep and feeling the  breeze run across my ears, and the wind keeps pushing the waves towards the shore, and the kids - the 3 musketeers - keep alternating between laughing and whining but mostly laughing and squealing with (as my friend Freya would say) 'peals' of joy, and I keep sitting here perched on this rock, taking it all in, wondering how long this peace is gonna last, and a big huge flat rock carried by the boy reminds me of moses' tablet of the big 10 except i'm not religious, I just have these little kernels of imagery emblazoned in my memory, and it's still the perfect temperature, not too hot, not too cold for goldilocks, but hot enough to make the cool breeze from the lake worth its long trip to me, but not so cold that I am driven away. perfect.

the flow

sitting still
remembering to just be
remembering that the longer I can just wait for the kids to bloom
for the patience to stop running out
for them to figure it out
the sooner it will
and the sooner I stop trying to get in the middle
to get in the way
the easier it is
to go with the flow
and let the flow pick me up
and take me where it wants to go

just keep...

your pen moving, just keep your pen moving. that is what I read I don't know  12 or 13 years ago and it has stuck with me ever since. even as the pen was replaced by the screen and the keyboard but even then it holds true. just keep moving. just keep swimming. just keep swimming and letting your mind rip and roar and  get rip roarin so that you're running nekkid through the night across a roaring campfire somewhere in the woods just east of freshwater bay and it's ok because the kids are asleep and nobody cares and you've had enough whiskey to drink and what does it matter and it's just a body and it's dark and so what, live a little, for crying out loud because what are you going to tell your grandkids anyway? that you stayed up late playing X-box? or that you did the dishes on time each night? or that you walked the dogs like you were supposed to? that's all well and good but you've also got to live. you've also got to stretch yourself, challenge yourself, remember yourself and whatever it is that floats your boat and gets your goat  and for me it's not just streaking it's peaking it's going berserking it's dancing it's flinging my hair to and fro and wow-ing, it's stunning people with zingers and silly one liners and strumming the cheesiest, sentimentalyist song that ever was-iest and not batting an eyelash over it, it's getting a bad haircut and somehow making more than the best of it, it's forgetting about the sunscreen because ultimately your skin will get used to it and skin cancer from polymers in sunscreen is probably worse for you in the long run, and just keep writing and just keep writing and what's more important to me than standing still is just being with yourself and seeing what oozes out and not being afraid to look it squarely in the face and stand tall and stand your ground and grow peaceful with it and find a way to find yourself in it and forgive yourself in it and be gentle with yourself with it and give the love back even when the love isn't coming your way because that's the only way the love will ever come so you better start giving it right now and then and later, too.

stinky but loveable dog, prickly but snuggling kittenkaboodle, a pond covered in pollen scum but with rainbow trout swimming and swinging-over-the-pond-potential, finally sinking into the Gunnison groove, slowly, like a shoe gradually taking in water, slowly my feet start to go barefoot and I realize I can close my eyes and still find my way even though i'll never barely remember the names of streets around here, time moves a little differently and like an ipod playing music when you're running, sometimes it would be nice if there was a dial on the gadget so that you could speed up or slow down your soul to get in sync with the grooves that move

gunnison

it's a funny place. a place where... I come back year after year and wonder...
will I fit in?
has too much time passed?
can I weave back into these friends' lives?
am I a third foot?
has anything changed?

and each time...

it's more about me being self conscious
than it is about me being here

this place always welcomes you back
they may look at you a tad strangely
but i'm ok, you're ok

it's like getting reacquainted with a close friend after years apart
you know they know you and you know them
but it takes time
and you can't assume
but you also can't be a wallflower
it's dancing the fine line
between patience and losing all self restraint
and you can't get stuck in either for too long

it's... going back to work on Monday
or going back to school in the fall
or waking up in the morning after a night of mayhem
or sharing a gut busting bellyful laugh and then trying to focus on the job to get done

you've got to be patient with the process
or else you lose it
the cake won't rise
the mousse falls flat
the work of art goes kaphooie
and just when you can't wait one more second for things to gel
that's when you have to be

the strongest

so just wait.

what i learned on the most boring stretch of highway ever imaginable

i love road trips - don't get me wrong. i love the time, the space, the expanse, the sights, the sounds, but there is one stretch of road between price, utah and the 70 that makes me want to... want to... fall asleep and hit a telephone pole. but truth often comes in difficult packages, and here is what i discovered. nothing that earth shattering, unless you are actually out there experiencing it but here it goes...

they really need a decent radio station out there... ok, that's not it, but really they do.... here it is...

something besides the song that goes 'if god was one of us, just like a slob like one of us'

ok, no really, here it is.

the truth stares you in the face out there. it's blatantly obvious. if you just open your mouth, and have a little talk with the universe, it does speak. pretty much everything you 'think' you think is true is true. any doubts are eradicated. all those inklings and hunches are pretty much spot on. you just have to get quiet enough to listen to them. and that's what i found out along the most boring stretch of highway that ever was. and i'm glad that it's there.

quadruplekatillionbobillion

randomness, alright, here it goes... a flock of geese barely skimming the surface of the columbia river, a 7 week old kitten carefully tucked inside a woman's handbag while she waited for her coffee, everyone at a Flying J (customers and cashiers) in the happiest mood I have ever seen at a truckstop somewhere in Utah, realizing that if they would just put on better dance music on the radio in the middle of nowhere there would be fewer 'fatigued' drivers crashing into each other, but still i found some very cool songs in the middle of nowhere, realizing that i can't stand the song where the woman sings 'if you could realize, what i just realized', glad to 'realize' that it's good to be driving a long time on the road with no good music to listen to because it allows your mind to get very quiet and you begin to hear what's really important once all the noise goes away, amazed that i always forget that oregonians pump your gas for you, and... and... and... the most important/essential/significant/mind blowing/mind altering/substantial/did i say essential already?/thing i've figured out on this road trip?.... finding a hunkertatillion ways to enjoy the journey more than the goal.

this is going to be the most random blog post ever... ever... in the history of blog posts

sitting here on my backporch I am remembering sitting on my other backporch on mount pleasant road, actually pearce road off of mt. pleasant road and I ran into this lady the other day, I knew I knew her somehow but I couldn't for the life of me figure out how and then it slowly dawned on me as I stood with her ruminating in the aisles of 'sunny farms' that we lived across from each other, our kids played together oh so many moons ago on pearce road and I remembered sitting there dreaming out of my side window and writing my blogposts then and looking out the window at Canada and listening to the crows that sounded like old men burping or hiccupping I didn't know and thinking about our chickens down in the field and listening to our kids play downstairs or outside or with the neighbor girl briana and planting plants and having to kennel mojo because otherwise he would tear up the house when we were gone. it's starting to seem like a long time ago although it was only 5 years ago but 5 years is starting to feel like a very long time indeed, long because why? why does time start to feel long? is it because I have stayed in one town longer than I have almost ever in my entire life. I have moved at least every year or every other year for the majority of my life. I was born in Canada, we lived maybe 2 or 3 years in each house, we moved to highland park/east L.A. and lived there one year, we moved to Topanga and lived there one year, we moved to cobalt, Connecticut and lived there one year, we moved to NYC and lived there 2 years, we moved to Topanga and lived there two years, we moved to England and lived there 1 year, we moved back to Topanga and lived there 1 year I went to college and went back/forth from new York for 4 years, I moved near Magic Mountain in the valley of los angeles for 1 year, I lived in Wimbledon, London, England for 1 year, I moved back to California for 1 year, then I moved to Colorado and promptly moved at least every year on and on and on and on. so yes, I am used to moving a lot. and yes, this is probably the first time in my whole life that I have pretty much damn near lived in/around the same TWO areas (the Olympic peninsula and Gunnison, Colorado) for close to 5 years and that is a record breaking move. so it does feel weird and i'm not sure if it's making me feel old staying in one place too long or young. I don't know. I think moving keeps you young in many ways but I also think staying in one place and developing deeper friendships keeps you young, too. maybe deepening friendships makes time move faster. maybe slowing down enough and not moving so much makes time seem longer, spread out. maybe events from the past recede even more slowly when you stay in one place until one day, when you stop and realize it's been 5 years since you lived in that other place, you suddenly wonder what you have been doing for the past 5 years in the same town and can't quite remember it all and so you think you've lost time. I don't know. all I know is... it's weird. but somehow I am glad for it. glad that I can bump into someone who meant something to me 5 years ago and who still remembers me and somehow reaffirms that that part of my life did exist at one point. when you move a lot, you start to think that the past never really existed at all except in your imagination. so it's good to realize that what you experienced once did really happen after all and you are still the same person after all and maybe that's how you can feel young after all, too. I am still that person sitting on my back porch 5 years ago, musing over the same thoughts in a slightly transformed form 5 years later. we don't change that much, after all. which can be a good or a bad thing if you think about it too much. and I tend to be the kind of person who thinks about things too much. but I don't mind.

ho hum ho hum

hooooooo hum hoooooooo hum
it's weird, being alone, neither good nor bad totally. if you really settle into it, like the alaskan dude who lived like a hermit for 35 years in the hinterland, you realize that life just is. it is neither here nor there. you are really fine on your own. just fine. it's the media, the commercials, the looks that make you think you need a 1000 people around you at every second in order to be fulfilled. you don't really. some people sometimes yes. but you don't need to constantly be around people all the time to be complete.
you can just be. you can appreciate the wind rustling the leaves, you can think, you can remember what you think, you can remember what you feel, you can remember.

when i was a child, i could play for hours on my own. never bored. never really looking for someone to play with although if i had someone to play with that was awesome when it happened. that should be how it is when you're an adult. you should be fine just being/doing your own thing and then when someone shows up to make life more interesting then enjoy it, go for it, have fun with it, but it doesn't have to mean your whole life depends on it. you should be able to be happy just being where you are, right now. right here and now. that's what i think. nobody else has to see it that way if they don't want to. that's just how it is for me, right here right now.

hiccuping and deja vuing

paint a picture in words ~ waterfall like something frank lloyd wright would do, godsend out of nowhere says to me 'here take my house for the summer for free' and i say 'am i dreaming or what?' as the sky opened up and the clouds buoyed down this little angel with the good news and i am pinching myself wondering if i am dreaming, and this lady hands me a bag of the crispiest sugar snap peas and the sweetest good dirt tasting carrots i ever did taste and tireswings and grasshopper homemade homes and ginger kombucha in tiny dixie cups and rafting down a river with yellow tanningers saying 'hi' and old friends who remind me of memories i thought i had forgotten and buildings that are no more and buildings that are new and slowing down enough so that the inevitable speeding up of life as you get (hate the word) older is neutralized by remembering how kids manage to have a thousand days packed into one day so much so that by the end of the day you are truly bobuly tired.